Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Wiener Tried to Kill Devil Baby

In a strange twist of events, or possibly a strategic move to stop her before she becomes a serial killer, Wiener tried to kill Devil Baby today.

He took her to pick up Fifi after school because my car is in the shop and needs $2500 in repairs. I made him do the carpool schlepping so I could wallow in a glass of Moscato about the impending expenditure that puts my dream of an impromptu beach vacation further out of reach.

I thought they'd be gone for a bit and probably would make a stop at the store to pick up some candy, because he's the awesome dad and I'm the nasty-witch-mom-fun-police. Selfish bastard. Wiener stuffs them with candy and junk food and watches inappropriate movies, then I get to swoop in and shriek like a banshee about bath time and teeth brushing.

With that in mind, I thought I'd have at least 30-45 minutes to bask in solitude whilst boozing it up or perhaps watch a quick episode of Weeds in blissful silence.

Suddenly, my motley crew stormed in through the garage door with Wiener yelling "I think Devil Baby has heat stroke!"

What the fuck? They've literally been gone 15 minutes.

Wiener is the only father I know that can take a simple task with the kids and turn it into a life threatening debacle within minutes.

Exhibit A:

When out with a girlfriend and other friends to celebrate our birthdays, I get a text from Wiener that says "Devil Baby has diarrhea and I'm out of wipes! It's a shitstorm here! She just shit in the bathtub!" Welcome to my world.

Exhibit B:

I traveled to Europe in 2007 for a once in a lifetime opportunity to go to Wimbledon with my ancient grandfather, who is a former champion. Two days into the trip, I get frantic texts and calls that "Fifi has a temperature of 105! What should I do?" Jesus Christ! I thought a. Call the doctor, dumbass and 2. Fifi never gets sick. What has he done?!

Now before me is Devil Baby, who is beet red and super hot. Her heart is racing and I keep thinking what the hell- this never happens on my watch! Granted it's summer time in Texas and the temperature is 1 billion degrees. 

But, come on, they were gone 15 minutes for crying out loud! We were outside all day on Saturday swimming, cooking out and running around in the heat and this never happened. Wiener must have done something wrong.

So I gave Devil Baby a juice box and got a damp washcloth to help cool her down. Finally, the redness went away and she wasn't so hot anymore. She's feeling like her old self and will be wielding a meat cleaver in no time so she can go back to narrowing down her serial killer weapon of choice. 

In retrospect, I have come to the conclusion this is all a well orchestrated plot by Wiener to ensure he will never have to tend to the kids himself ever again.

Little does he know of my five year plan to kill him off and use the insurance money to buy a secluded island in the Caribbean, so his game of 'pawn the minions on the wife at all costs' is simply child's play in comparison.

Remember that line from the movie Adventures In Babysitting- "Do not fuck with the babysitter!" 
Do not fuck with her, indeed.

Here is the private island I plan to buy when I off Wiener.
(Disclaimer: I do not really plan to off Wiener- just a joke!)

1 comment:

  1. Oh Wiener. How do they manage to get themselves in these situations?!