Monday, August 27, 2012

Reasons Devil Baby Will Become A Serial Killer

Devil Baby turns three today. Sadly, she's afflicted with the second child syndrome. In other words, we've been there, done that as parents and don't have the same energy as we did the first time around, so the balance of equality is slightly skewed

I googled baby serial killer images and there was nothing good.
So I googled babies with hatchets and machetes. Again, nothing.
 So I googled babies with knives. This will have to do.

In her honor I've compiled a list of why she may not turn out quite right:

1. There are no printed pictures of Devil Baby. When Fifi was born, I had professional pictures taken of her every 3 months to document her cuteness and growth. There are boxes full of these pictures and other candid snapshots we took. I took Devil Baby for studio pictures once and never went back. Other than that, the only prints of her are on Christmas photo cards and class photos taken at her pre-school.
2. She has never had a big birthday party. Fifi's first few birthday parties were lavish events complete with petting zoos, ponies, bounce houses, magicians, pricey bakery cakes and lengthy guest lists. When Devil Baby turned one, we had a few close friends over and I made homemade cupcakes. (Despite rumors, I did not simply toss a capri-sun and a cupcake into her crib.) My new motto is it's about quality not quantity, so a simple family event with cake is sufficient. But boy will she be pissed when she sees pictures of her sister's soirees.

3. Birthday presents are typically re-gifted items from around the house, such as leftover school supplies and old toys re-wrapped. Everything old is new again. She's only three, so she probably won't realize items aren't brand new for another year or two. 

4. Her babyhood nicknames include 'Devil Baby' and 'fucking baby.' In my defense, we do not call her fucking baby directly. It was mostly used as an exasperated expression when she was a newborn and would wake us all up for a 3 am bottle or when she writes on the wall with markers and I loudly sigh and exclaim fucking baby!

5. Sometimes, when she's playing with our cats or approaching strange animals, I tell her to be careful because they will eat her face.

6. When Fifi was a baby, I took her to the play area at the mall regularly and enrolled her in ballet and dance as a toddler. Devil Baby is lucky to get a trip to the park once in a blue moon. 

7. She sometimes hisses "I'll kill you" in a terrifying guttural voice. Granted I sometimes sarcastically yell "I'll kill you!" at Wiener when he does something maddening, but it's usually in a high pitched voice followed by laughter and not in the demonic growl of a psychopath.

8. There's an iPad app called Talking Ginger where you talk to a sweet kitty and it repeats what you say. She argues with it fervently and is driven mad by it repeating her words in what she perceives is a high pitched taunting manner, so she starts stomping on the iPad and frothing at the mouth.

9. Unlike her sister, she wasn't breastfed. My explanation to others is that I didn't breastfeed her because I never seemed to produce enough milk the first time around, so I didn't want her to be deprived. But we all know the real reason is that I'm just too lazy and that shit hurts like hell.

10. She likes to take off her princess dress and say "It's naked party time!" That may lend itself more to a profession as a stripper rather than a serial killer, but it is still troublesome. Although, she could become a serial killer stripper. She'd lure her victims with promises of stripping, then kill them. I may have gone too far. But hey, if stripping pays for college, so be it. I must protect my vodka money by any means necessary.

Impish grin or maniacal mastermind?
You decide.

Happy 3rd birthday, my wonderfully weird Devil Baby. The world is your oyster. (Please don't become a serial killer.)


  1. Poor Baby! Next Year we are throwing down for her Bday!

    1. I know. She totally needs a bonfire kegger!