Monday, January 7, 2013

Resolutions for Everyone and Stupid People

Why write my own resolutions for New Years that I'm just going to give up on in a New York minute?

Instead, it would be more advantageous of me to write a list of resolutions expected of others. Because if they take action and execute these resolutions, my life would be better and happier! So why waste time making my own when this way I get the same great results of New Year's resolutions without actually having to do any of the work? Genius, right?

So, without further adieu: 

10. Drive friendly. Use your signal. Let people over when they want and don't speed up. Get off the ass of the car in front of you. Drive the speed limit. Stop texting and weaving.

9. Please move your shopping cart to the side of the aisle and don't leave it in the middle so others can't get around. I thought we discussed this.

8. Learn some correct grammar. No one will take your vents and rants seriously when you spew incorrect, misused and improperly spelled words all over social media. Your, you're, their, they're, there etc. Yes, typos and auto correct happen. But not every time you post. Just as important, if you're going to correct other people's grammar, make sure you correct their grammar not grammer.

7. Please, for the love of God, get a debit card. Why are you still writing checks in public? They are free, easy to use and super fast. This will lessen your chance of me stabbing you in the face in a checkout line as you rummage through your purse for a pen and driver's license then balance your checkbook.

6. Stop using your religion as a shield to allow you to judge others, be a hypocrite, and say what you want simply because you have faith and can ask for forgiveness. Because you can be forgiven doesn't give you carte blanche to judge others and be mean and cruel. Practice what you preach and lead by example. It's pretty hypocritical of me to judge others here and say mean things while telling others not to do it, right? No. The difference here is this is satire not directed at any one person specifically and I wouldn't say something horrible to someone just to be mean and hurt them and turn around and say 'it's ok because I'm a Christian and all will be forgiven.'

5. Because you can, doesn't mean you should. This goes for so many things. Diarrhea mouth on social media, over sharing on social media, wearing pajamas to Walmart, wearing see through tops with only a bra under, demonstrating your pole dancing maneuvers at office parties. Always ask yourself  "I know I can, but SHOULD I?"

4. Stop smoking. This is purely selfish. I have never smoked. I try not to judge others that do, but I can't help it. It's fucking gross. Even if you don't do it around others, we can still smell it on you and it's stinky. You stink. You reek. You do. I hate walking through clouds of this stench just to get into stores. I hate seeing the littered butts on the ground. Oh, they're biodegradable you say? So are tampons and we don't throw those out of our car windows or on your front lawn. You know the health ramifications so I won't lecture. And it's your right, so there is not much I can do. But if you still can't stop, please have the courtesy not to expose others in public and, for fuck's sake, do not smoke in cars with kids. It takes a special kind of selfish and stupid to do that.

3. Don't gift things you wouldn't want to receive. I know this is a limited subject relegated to holidays and birthdays, etc. and not a major life changing resolution. And it's kind of rude of me to dictate what others should give. But enough is enough. If you don't want to step on ten billion sharp Lego bits or Polly pocket parts and spend hours picking them up, don't give them. If you don't want to be awakened from a dead sleep by a shrill shrieking siren of a toy that the cat accidentally stepped on or shot in the face with a foam missile by a sugar fiending toddler screaming 'put em up' over and over, don't give them. Most importantly, with all due respect grandma, my kids don't need one more motherfucking stuffed animal. Half of the 280 billion stuffed animals we own are still in plastic trash bags from operation 'Lice Scare 2006' and the other half are strewn on the floor waiting for their turn to be puked on by the cat. 

2. Stop asking for help, advice and opinions if you're not going to take it. I already told you I liked the black top and not the orange one, so why are you wearing it? And stop whining about all of your financial woes, then constantly spend money on crap you don't need. And I already told you that guy was a scumbag so why are you sexting him? Jeez. If you're going to do what you want anyway, why do you ask for advice?

1. Quit constantly adding pictures of yourself to Facebook and changing profile pictures. Sure, we all like to look good. But constantly uploading pictures of yourself, alone or with half cropped others, makes you look vain, shallow, desperate for attention, insecure, and like you're fishing for compliments. You know who you are. Here's a tip- if people and close friends aren't liking or commenting on pictures of yourself that you upload, you may be doing it too much and are guilty of this. Or if the wrong types of people are liking and commenting, ie douche bags and possible serial killer rapists, you might be guilty and have a problem. Ask yourself "Why do I want to upload this picture? Do I want attention? Would I want my child to do this and have perverts liking it and commenting?"

There you have it. Aren't these resolutions great? I'm sure people besides me will benefit from these resolutions being implemented. So, general public at large, please comply with these resolutions post haste. It would mean a lot to me.

And after all, they are totally better than my own list of resolutions that I quit writing after drink more wine. That would be about all I could add to my already hectic schedule of champagne drinking and bon bon eating so this way is much better. Do it.