Monday, September 3, 2012

Vagina Ramblings

I've been surfing around the internet reading various blogs looking for funny ones, mostly to entertain myself, but also to see who is successful and who is not. And if they are successful, why?

I found plenty of blogs that give you tips on how to be funny, market your blog and be successful. I'm not necessarily in it for success or money, but if that happens, bonus. My reason for starting a blog was to give myself an outlet to share stories, observations and musings.

One blog I came across gave a list of dos and don'ts on how to be funny in a post. Which made me wonder what made this blogger an expert on what is funny and what is not, so I read some of the blog posts. I didn't find them particularly funny and I didn't really agree with some of the tips either, but to each his own.

Some of the tips resembled:

1. Don't mention in the blog post how funny you are. Well, duh.

2. Swearing is the lazy blogger's way of getting a laugh. Intelligent people won't find it funny and they won't continue reading. The fuck? Swearing is my only talent. Plus, akin to how Chelsea Handler doesn't trust people who don't drink, I don't trust people who don't swear.

3. Use childish teenage boy humor such as fart, poop and boobies. Um, if intelligent people don't like swearing, what is going to make them read a post about poop and farts? Contradictory much? Though I agree bodily function humor offers a wealth of hilarious scenarios.

4. Make fun of yourself and not others. That's just boring. Everyone likes to hear about stupid things other people do. Think America's Funniest Home Videos. Also, if that's true, how to you explain the popularity of reality shows?

My thoughts are that humor is subjective. What makes me laugh and pee my pants may not even make you raise an eyebrow. And what you think is funny, I might find lame and dull. So, write what's in your heart and you will be appreciated by those with a similar funny bone.

One thing the post said that I think we can all agree on is--- the word vagina is always funny.

I could not agree more.

In fact, I was chopping jalapenos the other day and when I went to the bathroom I must have accidentally grazed my nether regions because shortly thereafter my vagina was on fire.

See how I did that? I made fun of myself, didn't swear, used bathroom humor and said vagina. I guess that blogger would think I'm hilarious. Oops- can't talk about being funny.

How about this:

As a teenager, I didn't really understand how tampons worked, but I wanted to try them. I imagined the freedom and carefree bliss experienced by the women wearing flowy dresses in tampon commercials. However, still being a virgin, I was completely clueless about vagina holes. So, I stuck the whole tampon between my legs- not fully inserted- and left it there, plastic applicator and all. I walked around all day a bloody mess in extreme discomfort thinking tampons sucked and everyone was fucking stupid.

If my vagina could talk it would have said, "We're shutting down the ovaries now in case you are legitimately raped or have legitimate sex because you're so stupid you don't need to pro-create in any event." To which I would have then responded "Please do, because if a tiny tampon applicator is this uncomfortable, I don't want to know what a watermelon squirting out of my ladybits feels like."

Sadly, the conversation never happened and fast forward 20 years I've had a watermelon and a cantaloupe pushed out of it.

The moral of this rambling post? Vaginas are funny and everyone is stupid, including me?

No. Don't wait until it's too late; talk to your vagina as often as possible to prevent these situations. Also, tampons need better instructions.

If this ad was from my youth,  I would have
thought using tampons made you a ballerina.

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