Saturday, June 22, 2013

A Modest Rant

In order for this post to make any sense, you have to watch this video.

As I first watched the video, I thought it was interesting and some good points were made. But once it was over, I got mad. 

While I don't want to see anyone, including my children, wearing a thong swimsuit with their anuses (ani?) hanging out, nor tiny triangles over their gazongas tempting the nip slip gods, I really have no problem with women wearing bikinis or semi-revealing swimsuits. Women's bodies are beautiful and, yes, they come in all shapes and sizes. Women should be free to wear a swimsuit that they are comfortable and confident in without people like this making us second guess our choices.

If you watched the video, you will have heard how she discusses the evolution of women's swimwear from swim costumes and the quick entry into the water via a horse drawn port-a-potty-like-atrocity, and then to the more form fitting one pieces, then a slightly more revealing tankini, then to the most scandalous bikini. So scandalous, French models wouldn't model them- only strippers. Have you met any modern day French women? They are very confident in their sexuality and with nudity- they're just more classy about it than Honey Boo Boo's mother. 

She talks about modesty and the woman in the song "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" being afraid to show herself in public because her sense of modesty was gnawing at her not to reveal herself like a common whore. Which is entirely possible. Or maybe she was having her monthly visitor and didn't want to risk an embarrassing incident like this one. I don't know. I didn't write the song, so I can't speak for her innermost thoughts and fears.

Personally, I don't care if you're modest or an extrovert- just keep your thong anus out of my view. Wear what you want, whether it be a one piece or two or tankini or string bikini. But what really pissed me off, was the research she discussed about how a man's brain reacts to seeing women in various states of undress.

Her argument supporting modesty in swimwear was because when men see women in revealing bathing suits, it triggers their brain in the areas that acknowledge things as objects rather than relate-able individuals with whom they should interact and engage in meaningful conversation with. Women in revealing swim wear make men think in terms of actions such as "touch" and "grab" rather than in in emotions such as "connect" or "empathize." It makes them see objects rather than humanity.

To me this is sending a mixed message. It seems to me the problem is not with what the women are wearing, it is with the way the male brain works. So, because men cannot control their brainwaves and innate thought patterns, women should cater to male shortcomings and behave in a manner as to not illicit an inappropriate reaction?

Well to this is I say, FUCK THAT! I get that people are wired certain ways, but do we really need to change our lives and feel ashamed of things because we must consider how other people will see us and interpret us? No ma'am. Ain't nobody got time fo that. Life's too short. 

I know she didn't mention rape, but I am going to stretch things a bit here, since she wasn't suggesting women wear more modest swimwear for the sake of being more mysterious or leaving something to the imagination- which would be a little easier to swallow. Or not. The premise of her presentation was women should dress more modestly because we become things men objectify rather than relate to. No one deserves to be objectified or manhandled or sexually assaulted. Not the modest soccer mom, not the sexy actress, not the Puritan-ish clad young lady, not the teenage girl wearing the trendy shorty shorts, not the stripper, not the pageant toddlers, not the roofied graduate student, not the prostitute. Not the women and girls of India, who dress as modestly as they come, and are assaulted, raped, humiliated, pawed, groped, cat called, murdered and objectified on a horrifyingly regular basis.

When are we going to address the problem instead of band-aiding the trigger? In this day and age we shouldn't be having to teach our girls not to dress a certain way, act a certain way, feel the need to be ashamed of their bodies or hide them because they will get unwanted attention and possibly be assaulted and raped. Now I agree there are a lot of young girls and women that dress in a revealing style and act provocatively and push boundaries and limits. But that does not give someone carte blanche to react in a way that is clearly wrong. You don't see me losing my mind and running off to hump the lifeguards at the community pool just because they have no shirts on their tan, glistening, ripped abs. Jeez.


RISQUE                     MODEST                         WHORE  

Yes, we should teach our girls to have respect for themselves and not be little trollops, but the idea that women need to dress or behave in a way that quells the male's instinct to objectify us to prevent harm or incident is asinine. We instead need to focus on teaching and re-programming the male population that no matter what, women are to be treated with respect, dignity and grace at all times. And if that doesn't work, we need to electroshock therapy those motherfuckers into submission. Or lobotomize. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a new bikini top that I need to try out at the community pool and my favorite lifeguard is on duty today. Oh wait...     


Sunday, June 16, 2013

Father's Day Conversation with Wiener

After a lovely home-cooked Father's Day breakfast of bacon, pancakes and eggs and the opening of cards and hand made gifts from the kids and I, we left for dip at the local community pool. 

Me: So how do you like my new bathing suit top? Does it look ok?

Wiener: Yes, it looks great. You're a beautiful woman.

Me: Aw, thank you. How sweet. And Happy Father's Day to you. You're welcome for the two beautiful children I gave you so you could enjoy this Father's Day.

Wiener: You mean the children I gave you?

Me: Um, no, the children I gave you. 

Wiener: No, you just pushed them out while you were on lots of awesome drugs. I gave them to you.

Me: What? No, I did all the work. You just laid there the whole time we had sex and then I carried them the entire nine months and gave birth to them.

Wiener: Whatever, I'm not even sure if DB is mine. She looks nothing like me.

Round and around and around and around we go...

Happy Father's Day Wiener. You really are a great dad. Even if your idea of helping clean up after dinner is moving the dirty dishes from the right side of the sink to the left and consolidating them. 

Wiener and all his FD goodies. Don't be jelly ladies.
Plus an awesome DB photo bomb. 
 



Monday, June 10, 2013

Crimson Tidal Wear

Dear People, 

WTF is wrong with you? That's a rhetorical question because I'm pretty sure you don't have the faintest idea what your problem is...

On two separate shopping excursions in the last six months I came across a pair of (oh how shall I put this delicately) sullied ladies undergarments. Or in other words, for those who don't speak gentile southern slang, period bloodied underwear. That is correct. Underwear. With. Period. Blood. On. Them. Hanging on a rack for sale. Technically, one was a bathing suit bottom, but for argument's sake we'll say it is an undergarment of sorts.

So I get that no underwear brand fits the same and sometimes you need a trial run. Not everyone chooses to wear holey underwear from 1996 like me in order to avoid having to find a new brand that is comfortable. But do people (women) really try on underwear while in the throws of their monthly bloody curse? At the most, one should buy the underwear that will be the most likely to fit and take it home and if it doesn't work, return it or use it as a car washing chamois. At the least, one should never, ever, ever and perhaps even NEVER try on under-things while they are on their period unless they double and triple check there is no chance of leakage. And even then, they should probably just not try on undergarments at that time of the month, period.

And then what if it does happen? You are stealthily trying on unmentionables during the visit from your monthly flow. (My god, people, it only lasts a few days- can't the panty shopping wait?) You feel confident that your super- plus absorbent tampon is fresh and ready to keep absorbing the flow for a few more hours. Then you look down and WHAM! There's a splotch of blood on the white granny panties you just tried on. Oh. Snap. What do you do? You take a deep breath and think "It's cool, I got this." As you gingerly slip the panty back onto its delicate plastic hanger, you wait for the person in the next stall to leave so you can exit the dressing room un-noticed. You quickly glance around the store as you exit the stall and make a graceful beeline back to the underwear rack and casually hang it a few items back. There! Operation Avoid Embarrassing Bloody Mess successfully executed.

I get that confessing and taking the item you ruined to the front and sheepishly paying for it is something reserved for those of us with steel ladyballs. But actually going through the motions of placing the item on a hanger and displaying it back on the rack in all of its crimson glory is just beyond all measure of comprehension. Do you think someone will actually want to buy it? Maybe they'll get an extra discount since it's a damaged item. Actually, you probably did the next customer a favor and saved them a few bucks. How thoughtful of you.  

While I haven't done extensive or even any research at all on this (I'm simply pulling these figures out of my ass) I would say 4 out of 5 women who encountered this situation would leave the item balled up on the floor under a pile of other items and high tail it directly out of the store without making eye contact or conversation with another human being for the next several hours. But then again, these 4 women would also probably not being trying on undergarments during the menses in the first place. It's pretty much gotta be that 1 woman going from store to store every month trying on undies. 

Bloody Granny Panties front and center. 
I was not shopping for these underwear.
The blood on the white undies caught my eye. Swear.
Oh maybe they won't notice the blood
since the bathing suit is red. Not.
Clean up on aisle five.

And while bleeding on new underwear in a department store is pretty gross, it is not lost on me that I was the person taking pictures of other people's blood on undergarments in a department store. I never said I wasn't crazy.