Sunday, September 23, 2012

Friends with Guns and Invisible Murderers

Freaky shit has been going on around my house this past week. It's bad enough Devil Baby always tells me she sees ghosts and monsters in the house, but when you experience things yourself it's a whole different story.

Last week, Wiener had to go out of town for a one night business trip. This doesn't happen often, so no biggie. I used to hate sleeping alone in the house, but after having the girls and getting used to it, it didn't seem to bother me much. After all, I went from checking under the bed every night for murderous clowns for years, even when Wiener was home, to only checking for them when he leaves town. That's a pretty big accomplishment. I do sleep with a knife under my pillow when he does leave, but at least I don't even check the closets at all anymore. (Please do not take that as an invitation to come hide in my closet- I'll cut a motherfucker.)

So the day he left, the kids were at school and I was in the office at home working for about an hour after he'd gone when I heard the familiar 'beep beep' of the alarm when a door or window opens. At first it didn't register, then I thought 'Shit! Wiener's outta town!'

I rushed to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and stared towards my bedroom as this would be the only entry point someone could open a door without me physically hearing the door but only the beep. And I waited. The bedroom doors were closed so I watched to see if they opened. Now maybe I was being overly sensitive since recently reading about the Madwoman's ordeal. After all, it was 10:30am in broad daylight and surely neighbors were home and out and about in the hood. But our lot is big and heavily wooded, so anything's possible.

To be cautious, I left out of the garage and slunk around the outside of the house with my serrated butcher knife checking doors. We have six exterior doors so that's lots of points o'entry. When I got to the master bedroom door off the deck, I turned the knob-- and it was unlocked! Holyfuck.

Until this point I had been sure I was being ridiculous. I quickly locked the door with my key. (Yes, I locked the would be murderers inside.) I started calling and texting some friends to come check the house for me. I'm kind of anti-social so I haven't really made the effort to hang with any of my closest neighbors. Plus, the two flanking me were gone at work and the other two across the street are old. I didn't want to be responsible for getting two old dudes killed by murderous home invaders. You are probably asking why I did not just call the police. I don't know either. No one knows why I do what I do.

Lola was nearby, but refused to come over and help me look for murderers in the house. Apparently picking up her kids from early dismissal at school was more important. Whatever. Stupid minions! Finally, a male friend, let's call him Pepe, agreed to come rescue me. He is a Marine, former police officer and black belt.

To kill time waiting for him to arrive, I chatted with Raquel on the phone. She thought it would be fun to have casual chit chat to keep my mind off the murderers hiding in my house waiting to kill me. So she regaled me with stories of how she saw a shadowy figure in her house recently who she thought was her husband walking around, but he ended up being asleep, so it was probably a ghost. Not helping. Then she wondered if I ever saw the movie where people would hide in homeowners' attics and live there and only come down at night to creep around the house and eat while the homeowners were sleeping. Um, I missed that one... kill me now!

Pepe finally arrived and came gangsta style around the side of my house with a glock drawn by his side. (It may not have been a glock, but that's the only gun name I know and it sounds cool.) I let him in the house through the deck door. He instructed me to stay a few steps behind. He checked under my bed, then went into the bathroom while I stayed in the room. That's when I noticed my bedroom doors to the main house were wide open. Remember earlier when I was in the kitchen watching those same closed doors waiting for them to open in the event someone had crept in? Well they were wide open now. Holyfuck part deux. My heart dropped and I began shaking and said in a pitiful voice "Those doors were closed when I left the house." He went into badass mode and I got the hell out of there and fled back outside.

I could see into a few windows and saw him dashing from room to room like a Rambo-Ninja-Boss pivoting, ducking, turning, pointing the weapon, looking under furniture and in cabinets. At one point he came out asking if we have another attic entry and I told him where it was. I spent my time outside listening for a gunshot and trying to figure out where we'd move if there was an intruder in the house 'cause I wasn't going back in there, ever. Finally, he was done and we went through the house a third time together. He said he checked all the deadbolts and they were locked from the inside and I was satisfied no one was there.

When he left I was still uneasy so I took off to the store and set the alarm when leaving. Upon returning home from the store, all was in order and I had lunch and chilled. I left to pick up Fifi from school and when we got back 20 minutes later, we came in and everything was fine, until I walked by a side hall exterior door and saw that it was unlocked. What? The? Fuck? I calmly told Fifi to get in the car so we could get Devil Baby from school. I called Raquel and she was like "What the hell? Does someone have a key and they're fucking with you?!" I had no idea. I checked with Pepe again and he said he hadn't unlocked any doors and thought he checked them all. Maybe this one was overlooked?

I called a friend from an adjoining neighborhood and she came over with a shotgun. This is Texas, y'all. Everyone's packing heat. We cleared the house again and I chalked it all up to accidentally leaving it unlocked. Wiener called and he was in the car with business associates. He suggested I call Pepe and have him come spend the night. Then suggested another male friend spend the night. The business associates were probably wondering why he was trying to get some men to come spend the night with his wife. (boom chaka wow wow) In the end, my mom came and spent the night and no murderers got us.

But, two days later, when all was calm and back to normal, Wiener was out late at a meeting and I was home cooking dinner for the kids. Devil Baby came running from the front of the house to the back stairs baby gate and said "I want to go upstairs," like she always says. Then she said over and over, "Somebody's upstairs, somebody's upstairs, I want to go upstairs, somebody's upstairs!" Jeezus Christ!!! We also have a front stairwell that's baby gated off and that was the area in the front of the house where she had been playing. Sometimes she says she sees ghosts or monsters, but never does she say somebody's upstairs. Did she see something upstairs? At this point dinner was almost done and I was hungry, so I was all, "Fuck the intruders, we're staying." I didn't let Devil Baby go upstairs and finally Wiener got home and nobody has been murdered yet, but I'll let you know how that goes.

So, in case you're keeping score, that's thrice something weird has happened this week.

Invisible murderers=3  Crazy Bitch=0

Pepe thinks this is what he looks like.
He is incorrect.


  1. OK. You are freakin hysterical. And brave as hell. I'd be hoteling it until my husband came home! I'll check in tomorrow to make sure no one went all Chuckie on your ass or anything. Good luck lady!

    1. Haha- still alive! I totally have an overactive imagination, but it was a pretty scary situation. I thought of hoteling it too, but with the kids having school in the morning and me being lazy, I thought having my mom there to throw in front of the murderers was far easier. ;)