Monday, October 29, 2012

Rage Against the Man-chine

This post brought to you by estrogen dominance:

It seems likes I'm super cranky these days. I don't know if it's because I'm staring down menopause or just because I'm grumpy. I feel like a cranky old man all the time who wants to yell "you kids get off my lawn!" But there aren't any kids on my lawn, so that would be weird.

What has been really annoying lately has been all the politics. The Presidential election is around the corner, among other elections, and everyone is driving me nuts! The political ads, the Facebook posts, the news stories obviously leaning one way or the other. I can't take it. I would ignore it if that were possible; it's everywhere. I want to escape to a private island, which I'm sure a lot of you do too.

Of course I think it's important for everyone to vote regardless of their political affiliations. Your choices may differ from mine and that's fine. I don't think any one politician can fit the bill to meet everyone's needs so I assume everyone votes on what issues are important to them at that time and which candidates supports the issues that matter most to them.

What I cannot stand is when people vote for or against a candidate for reasons such as what religion he/she is or isn't or what his/her race is or isn't or what sex he/she is or isn't. All politicians are a slick bunch and there is no perfect choice or 100% right or wrong answer. It usually comes down to the lesser of two evils.

But this election season seems to be fraught with more sleazy assholes than usual. There have been way too many sound bites with politicians saying flat out horrible things. For instance the Missouri Senator who said,  “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."  Um, not sure that's how it works, buddy. And super recently another politician said, "I believe that life begins at conception. The only exception I have to have an abortion is in that case of the life of the mother. I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize that life is a gift from God and I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.”  

Really? So when grown-ass men rape, sodomize and impregnate their 10 year old daughters, nieces, or mentally challenged relatives, it is part of God's plan and it was meant to be? And those victims should bear those children and either keep them or give them up for adoption no matter what? Even if the rapist can then come back in a few years and claim parental rights and get visitation and even partial custody? That would be awesome!

And women should have babies no matter if they have the means or finances to properly care for and feed these children? But, you don't want them to utilize government services like welfare or food stamps. That makes perfect sense! Yes, adoption is the other obvious choice-- as if there aren't already thousands of children abandoned and abused and in adoption centers and orphanages and there are no hungry children in America. 

But wait, there's more- the same politicians screaming for an end to abortion are also the same men criticizing single moms, saying that a child should be raised by a mother and a father who are married. But, if you're married and want to plan your family responsibly, don't even think about going to Planned Parenthood or getting affordable birth control options through your insurance. No way, no sir, no how.

Maybe you agree with that and maybe you don't. Everything is open for interpretation, I suppose. Of course these douchebags always try to back pedal and say that's not what they meant after public outrage for their callus and nasty remarks. Well, what do you mean? If you can't say what you mean maybe you shouldn't be running for office. If you have diarrhea of the mouth perhaps you should stick a maxi-pad in there to stop the flow.

What's important to remember is that our country was not technically founded on following certain religious beliefs, it was founded on freedom of religion. And everyone doesn't have the same religion or systems of beliefs. So if your religious beliefs frown on abortion or same sex marriage or other things the general population participates in, then don't do it yourself. Freedom of religion does not mean you can impose your religious belief system upon me. 

I don't remember things being this bad in politics over the last several years. Maybe I'm listening more now as I get older, but it seems like more and more of these politicians are trying to dictate things that directly impact women: The right to choose an abortion. Making it more difficult for a woman to claim rape. Downplaying the trauma of rape and sexual assault. Opposing bills for equal pay for women in same position as men. Planned Parenthood. Lesbian rights.

And really- Planned Parenthood? Come on. Fine, yes, they perform abortions, but they also provide much needed affordable medical care for women like mammograms, pap smears and birth control options. These politicians don't want women getting abortions, but they also don't want them having access to preventative care or birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Inconceivable. Or in this case, they want everyone to be conceivable, pregnant- like. 

It's time for women to wake up, smell the vagisil and take action! Stop allowing these ass clowns to be put into political office. Yes, there are many, many, many, issues and factors in politics; it's not all about women's rights and issues, I know. But the deficit will never be paid off, so being more concerned with that than having control over your very own vagina is asinine.

Soon we'll be back to the days of women being barefoot and pregnant, stuck in the kitchen, not allowed to vote and considered property of men. And if that's the case, I'm fucked because I don't know how to make a Sloe Gin Fizz. I'm pretty sure the women-folk are required to have one ready to hand the man of the house promptly at the 5pm cocktail hour. Wiener will have to settle for vodka straight up, unless I drink it all first. 

A perfectly depicted politician with top hat and asshole.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Don't Judge Me for Judging

I know, I know, I know. You're going be thinking, 'What about the old adage that says don't judge a book by its cover?' Believe me, I know! 

But I couldn't help myself today. I don't always make fun of people's appearances. Half the time I look like a cracked out person of Walmart, so I should know better than to judge others for how they look.

While picking up Fifi at the end of her after-school activity, I pulled in front of the school and parked while waiting. There was a man who, I assume, was a teacher or school employee out front waiting with some kids and helping them find their ride. 

I guess he pretty much was a normal man, except for the greasy slicked back hair and suspicious pencil mustache. He had a rotund pot belly and his clothes were worn and dumpy. And I'm sure I'm totally going to hell for this, but I couldn't help think 'why is that child molester being allowed to not only work with children, but be alone with them at after school activities?'

Jesus. H. Christ. He had a badge and everything, but that doesn't mean shit in this day and age. Just yesterday I heard on the news about a local school district where a teacher was arrested under allegations of inappropriately touching students at the elementary school where he worked. The same elementary school had another teacher who was convicted of molesting students about a year prior to this newer accusation and that teacher is serving 62 years in prison  Don't they do motherfucking background checks? Or do these sick predators wait until after the background checks to start attacking their prey?

Talk about some sick fucks. You can't even send your kids to school nowadays without worrying about these freakshows. No wonder I'm predisposed to assuming all odd looking little men are pedophiles.

So I'll do my best to try and not judge people by their appearances. Maybe a tall glass of red wine will ease my tension. But these assholes are out there- so stay vigilant, my friends...

The most interesting man would totally judge everyone
 because he is so much better than the rest of us. I love him.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

More Reasons Wiener is Gay

Perhaps I'm teasing too much with this subject and Wiener will murder me in my sleep one day, but I can't help myself. Some things are too good to keep to myself:

  • He has a penchant for watching figure skating. And women's gymnastics.

  • He's watching The Birdcage, right now. Unless you're reading this at a later date, then he's probably not watching right now. Or maybe he is.

  • We were talking about Kevin Spacey being a good actor and he said "I know he's not as good looking as Brad Pitt, but he's a great actor." I said, "I don't think Brad Pitt is all that good looking." Wiener replied "Really? I think he is beautiful. Especially in Meet Joe Black." (I smirked at this and tried not to bust out laughing and Wiener said "that is going in the blog isn't it?" --> Correct)

  • He made rice crispy treats with Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. When eating a piece he said "these are good, but it's better when they are rock hard." (TMI)

  • He tuned to video on demand and said, "Oh look, Magic Mike is available now!" 

Is it the sexy moves...

Or the matching costumes?

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Wouldn't You Like to Be Stupid Too?

Just one shoe needs the lift.
You can't even tell which one.
The other day Raquel made fun of my adventures in tampon usage. Her exact words were "Baahaahaa! You stuck a plastic applicator in your vajayjay!" And that's fine. I find that getting older kills, or at the very least, dulls your sense of embarrassment.

Because truthfully we've all done stupid, embarrassing things. I'm stupid, you're stupid, everyone's stupid. Wouldn't you like to be stupid too? And that's what makes it so much easier to share embarrassing stupid stories- we all do these things. Well maybe not sticking an entire plastic tampon in your ladybits, but you get the gist. 

One of Wiener's friends reads my blog. He called Wiener and said "Have you read your wife's blog? Did you know she said this and said that?" I'm sure he was referring to the post about reasons why Wiener is gay. And Wiener just said "Yep, mmhmm, yes, I know."

What's the point of getting embarrassed or upset? I'm not being mean and malicious. Otherwise I wouldn't have told him about the blog in the first place. He would have to read my secret ninja blog for that.

On that note- I think sharing my own stories of idiocy makes it easier for my readers to appreciate when I do go off on tangents about other people being asswipes. I've paid my dues and earned a bit of karmic leeway to poke fun at others for entertainment purposes.

For instance---I'll leave you with this story:

I have one leg that's slightly longer than the other. Granted we're talking millimeters here. It's pretty much insignificant and you would never know. I never knew this and as a result over time one of my hips has been wearing down more quickly because it gets more weight put on it because of the height difference.

I learned this after my hip popped one day and I was paralyzed by excruciating pain. Since then, I wear a heel lift in my right shoe to raise that side up to be even with the other leg. It's just a thin piece of cork or foam and hardly makes a difference really, but I can certainly tell when I don't wear it because my back will ache. Ah, the joys of getting old.

One day Devil Baby was playing in my underwear drawer where I keep my spare heel lift insert. What? Doesn't everyone keep random weird things in their underwear drawer? (You know you do.) She threw everything on the floor and I was afraid she would lose my heel lift.

I picked it up off the floor and flew into a rage with her demanding she tell me where the other one was. I tossed my room looking and even tried to rationalize with her by showing her two shoes and saying "one shoe, two shoes" and holding up the lift and saying "one- where is the other one?"

It took a good thirty minutes of searching (while Devil Baby watched me like I was batshit crazy) for me to finally give up, when I had an epiphany. Or a moment of clarity in a world of insanity--> Just one of my legs was shorter than the other; therefore I only needed, and had, only one heel lift. 

Duh. Am I stupid or what? 

Please don't answer that...

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Mad Housewife 2

You would think I wouldn't have to write about how this blog is satire so of course there is embellishment, exaggeration, and most importantly, creative license. So if you can't read this knowing it's all in good fun, then it's not the place for you.

The other day I posted about what I do all day. It was for entertainment purposes and was meant to be funny and hopefully I made some readers laugh or smile. It was not an outline of a typical day, of course, and was meant for fun. If I posted what I did every day you would be bored as hell and never come back to this blog.

Does paying bills, reconciling quick books, sitting at Fifi's gymnastics, generating invoices, driving to three different banks for business, folding laundry, doing dishes, grocery shopping, making dinner and wiping poo off a toddler's bum sound interesting to you? Probably not. Most of you probably do things like this every day yourself so why come here to read?

As in a lot of households, husbands and wives share duties. Of course there are also single parents who do it all.  And how Wiener and I roll may be different then how you run your household.

He takes Fifi to school in the mornings and I take Devil Baby on the days she goes. Then I'm responsible for them the rest of the day until they go to bed. That means school pick ups, after school activities, dinner, homework, baths and bedtime. Not that Wiener never helps with these things- he does when he can. Then there are also doctors appointments, dental appointments, orthodontist appointments, allergist appointments. And the list goes on and on. Bored yet?

And this arrangement leaves Wiener's schedule free to do whatever he needs for work all day, whether it be meetings, working in the office all day or meeting people for happy hour, business dinners, networking meetings etc.

He has no constraints whatsoever in his schedule and he does what he needs to when he needs it. And that's the trade off. I don't have that luxury. What I wouldn't give to grocery shop child free for eternity. I need advance clearance if there is something I may want to do, like happy hour, to make sure he isn't otherwise occupied and can be here for the kids. My plans have been delayed, put off and cancelled many times due to important business arising in his schedule.

SO, for instance, if he takes Fifi to school then hangs out in the office in the morning with Devil Baby before I roll out of bed because, I too, have had bronchitis for two weeks and deserve rest and to get well myself, then so be it. So the lesson here is not to make assumptions based on how others choose to operate their households.

Again, this blog is for entertainment and is mostly satire (read sarcasm). If I say I'm drinking pink champagne and eating bon bons all day, I'm probably not.

It's more likely that I'm plunging the toilet or scrubbing dried danimals yogurt drink off the couch. But since it's my blog and I have creative license I won't bore you with the minutia of my real daily routine. I'd much rather share with my readers some outlandish tale or hilariously embarrassing story.

So, if you know me in person, please don't judge or hold these stories against me in my personal life. This blog is an outlet and I'm just looking to get some laughs. Laughter is the best medicine.

And boy do I need it with my latest bout of bronchitis. 

This about sums it up.
Photo Credit- Elly

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Mad Housewife

Yes, I'm a mad housewife. But mostly mad as in crazy. And often as in the wine...

Sometimes I get the feeling Wiener thinks I don't do enough each day. I just know he envisions me laying around eating bon bons and drinking pink champagne all day.

I wish.
Yes, please.

And so goes the age old battle of husband and wife. She does nothing all day and he never helps around the house or with the kids, blah, blah, blah. I'm not quite a stay at home mom- I'm an at home mom most of the time and also a part time employee of the business we operate. Although I don't get a paycheck. It's all sweat equity, baby.

I decided to pick a random day to keep a log of my schedule so he, and you, can see how much I do do throughout the day. (I said do do. hehehe)

7:35 am- Wake up and have coffee.

7:50 am- Drop a number two and text image to Lola. (Relax, just a pic of feet and not the deuce. Sicko)

8:00 am- Throw on yoga pants and t-shirt, make Devil Baby lunch and dress her for school. Do not shower. Do not yoga.

8:20 am- Leave to take DB to school.

8:45 am- Arrive home and have second cup of coffee and check blog stats. No one is still reading. I like consistency.

9:00 am- Drop another numero dos. Text pic to Lola. 

9:15 am- Try to choose between cleaning and work. Decide to catch up on reading from my blog roll.

9:45 am- Get inspired by someone's blog and type some notes on iPhone notepad.

10:00 am- Group text Raquel and Lola and tell them I'm bored, hungry, hot, cold, blah, annoyed or make fun of someone's Facebook status.

10:15 am- Run dryer to 'fluff' the clothes and restart washer to rinse towels sitting there for three days.

10:30 am- Eat some oatmeal or an egg and toast.

10:45 am- Possibly poop again. Eggs can do that to me.

11:00 am- Get serious about work. Check e-mail. Get distracted by sale coupon, do some online shopping.

11:30 am- Do some invoicing or pay bills. Unless I'm busy taking a nap.

12:30 pm- I'm hungry again. Make some lunch.

1:15 pm- Sit in office and try to work. Wiener asks me how to spell maintenance, convenient and representative. He then makes me proof read five e-mails.

1:45 pm- Say I have to get some water to escape Wiener's incessant rambling and busy work.

2:00 pm- Take laundry out of dryer and stack on bed next to previous load from last week. Move towels from washer to dryer. They've been re-washed five times now. They smell super clean.

2:15 pm- Go back to office and check e-mail. Send out a few marketing brochures. Laugh because I accidentally typed my name as another word for poop in an e-mail. Stop what I'm doing and text this hilarious typo to Raquel and Lola.

2:30 pm- Shit! It's almost time to get Fifi from school. Wow this day has flown by. I'm exhausted.

2:50 pm- Sit in carpool and be on the lookout for rude bitches cutting in line.

3:10 pm- I have Fifi and we stop at Kroger to pick up a rotisserie chicken for dinner. Tastes like homemade.

3:30 pm- Pick up Devil Baby at school.

4:00 pm- Arrive home and get kids settled. Say I have 'work to do' but disappear into office and read e-mails and check out new blogs.

4:30 pm- Pour a glass of wine.

5:00 pm- Heat up some canned veggies and instant mashed potatoes as sides to chicken for dinner. I add fresh milk and butter to the potatoes for that extra made from scratch flavor.

6:00 pm.- Throw dirty dishes in sink for another time. Ask Fifi to empty dishwasher. She says no.

7:00 pm- Deal with homework, send Fifi to the shower and give Devil Baby a bath.

7:30 pm- Plop down on sofa and alternately watch tv and check Facebook on the iPad.

8:00 pm- Break up argument between the kids. Tell them to shut their faces and/or baby holes.

9:00 pm- Tell Fifi to get in bed and give Devil Baby my iPhone so she can watch doody doo on YouTube.

10:00 pm- Throw Devil Baby in bed because she fell asleep on the floor. Wipe the drool off iPhone.

10:30 pm- Think about exercising in the morning. Eat cookies instead.

11:00 pm- I've had a long exhausting day and got a lot accomplished. I hop in bed and read some blogs, text Raquel and Lola, read a book or surf the Internet looking for new illnesses to self diagnose myself with.

12:00 am- Drift off too sleep and am thankful Devil Baby does not have school tomorrow so I can sleep in until 9 zzzz!

Wiener wants less of this...
And more of this. Not likely.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Parenting- What I See / What They See

OK. I'm the first to admit I'm not the best parent. I swear, my kids annoy me and I tell them not to pet strange animals because they will get their faces eaten off.

I'm not the best parent, but I'm also somewhat over protective. I wouldn't say I'm a helicopter parent- I truly push for them to be independent. But I draw the line at participating in certain events that may cause them physical harm. 

That said, I don't fawn over their every move. I'm a strong believer in the five second rule, I do not feel the need to use antibacterial products and we never get flu shots. I like the idea of building immunities. 

Riding bikes, rock climbing and playing in the mud are perfectly acceptable, but the newer adrenaline inducing activities popular these days really freak me out. And I must draw the line somewhere. I see other parents allowing activities that make me question my sanity. If they're doing it, it must be safe, right?

Here is an outline of things I've witnessed other kids doing lately and how my view of them may differ from what other parents see.

Lemonade stand on the median of a two lane thoroughfare in our neighborhood:

Other Parents- An opportunity for their charges to learn important lessons about economics, math, supply and demand, hard work, good work ethics and customer service.

Me- Opportunity for children to slip off the curb into oncoming traffic and be run over and squished like a bug. Also they are prime targets for child molesters masquerading as repair people to kidnap small victims who are never to be seen or heard from again.

Motorized toys- including mopeds, motorized standing scooters, golf carts, four wheelers, dirt bikes, quads, and rhinos:

Other Parents- The opportunity for their children to enjoy the thrill of speeding down the road or off roading. Also fulfilling their own childhood fantasy of owning a motorized vehicle that their parents would never agree to.

Me- Death, destruction, broken limbs and paralysis. My niece received a rhino for her 7th birthday. She ran it off the road and flipped it with her uncle riding inside. He had head trauma and internal injuries that required several surgeries. Thank god she was fine.

Rough housing at public activities:

Other Parents- Boys will be boys. They are burning off energy and will go to bed sooner.

Me- Stitches and concussions...on my toddler, because they don't watch what they're doing or aren't supervised. Thank little baby Jesus I don't have boys or I'd have a heart attack daily.

Riding on the hood of a car:

Other Parents- A fun, whimsical joyride and sense of adventure.

Me- Stupid people, stitches, broken bits and death.

I am aware that my nickname around the house is Killjoy and The Fun Police, but I really do think some activities are more risky than their potential reward.

So that's it. Kinda soap-boxy today, but I just ate a huge bowl of chili and that's all I've got. Well that, and gas.

Just what every seven year old needs.