Friday, September 7, 2012

Reasons Fifi Will Need Therapy

Today Fifi turns 9. Holy shitballs, how did I get this old? If you're keeping track, Devil Baby turned 3 a little over a week ago.

Their birthdays are about 11 days apart. My estimated due date was September 6 for Fifi and September 5 for Devil Baby. Wiener's sperm are quite punctual, I suppose. I actually went into labor on my due date at 11pm with Fifi and she was born the next morning. Maybe that was a foreshadowing of her anxiety about being late for things.

With Devil Baby, they induced me on August 27. They said it was because my stomach was too little and she had no more room to grow. The hell? My standing theory is that she was due on Labor Day weekend and the doctor didn't want to miss his golf game. But enough about the Devil Baby who came along and stole all the attention and sleep.

Back to Fifi: Our parenting style has always been ultra unorthodox. It probably has more to do with me wanting to do things my way instead of by the book, because I'm controlling and neurotic like that. That said, some of our techniques and things we allow may come back and royally screw us in the form of hefty therapy bills.

Probably due to this, Fifi has developed a slew of irrational fears most likely brought on by our over protectiveness of the first born, or as a result of our questionable parenting techniques. You be the judge.

1. While other toddlers were watching Baby Einstein, Fifi was sucking her thumb and intently watching scary movies like 13 Ghosts with her dad. To this day, she likes scary types of movies and shows. She has passed on her penchant for the bizarre to Devil Baby who loves "spooky doody doo" and all three of them love watching The Walking Dead.

2. She is overly fascinated with true crime and medical shows. Once at a party, all the adults were talking and she hissed "SHHHHSHH!" She was watching Snapped and she couldn't hear all of the autopsy details.

3. If she falls asleep while watching shows like Bones and CSI she always asks me the next day "who was the killer?"

4. Whenever she whines about doing a chore or task I tell her, "If you don't like it, get your shit and get out." (That line was stolen from a friend, but I think it is an excellent solution to whinny or disobedient kids.)

5. When she was a toddler, she would hide in clothes racks at stores. No matter what I said, she wouldn't stop. One day I told her a story about a boy who hid from his mommy in clothes racks and a bad man kidnapped him and cut off his head and threw him in a canal. She never hid in clothes again. #morereasonsimgoingtohell

6. She loves the shows Man, Woman, Wild and Dual Survivor. Though she's intrigued by their survival skills, she has a lingering sense of abandonment like we're going to drop her in the jungles of Cambodia with one match and a handkerchief and say "See you at home- good luck!" Maybe there is a recurring theme here. Perhaps too much tv is taking place?

But I think deep down her fear has brought on a sense of maturity, responsibility and intelligence beyond her years. She has a clear plan outlined in the event of a tornado warning and has the foresight to bring water and snacks into the closet.

She will either need decades of therapy or she'll become a forensic scientist. Also, when the zombie apocalypse hits, she'll be the leader of the new world and celebrated for her bad-ass survival skills and zombie killing prowess.

Happy Birthday Fifi! 

WTF Mom?

My little 'Hood'lum.

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