Sunday, September 16, 2012

50 Shades of Walmart

I feel bad using a play on 50 Shades of Grey since I haven't read the book nor do I ever plan to. I have nothing against the book, it's just that if I need a dose of soft-core porn I'll simply turn on Cinemax. I'm too lazy to read a book to get my jollies. Immediate visual gratification is better. Too far?

Anyway- I went to the new neighborhood Walmart store today and stupidity was in abundance:

As I walked in and hit the produce department, a lady flew past, cut me off and stopped directly in front of the veggies I was heading for. Did she quickly grab some lettuce and go? No. She got her phone out and started texting and stood there forever while I waited. I had been bok blocked.

Then another lady pulled her cart directly in front of me and stopped in the soup aisle as I was looking for soup. She went about her business looking elsewhere, but it was obvious I was shopping from the shelf she stopped in front of and blocked. I loudly said "I'll come back since it wasn't obvious that I was trying to get something from the shelf you stopped directly in front of." Fifi looked aghast and waited for the fallout, but it never came. She was an older lady and part of me felt bad because she was semi-elderly and I said something rude. The other part of me wanted to punch her in the face.

As I was checking out, the clerk who was scanning and bagging my groceries stopped when she scanned a three pack of Starkist tuna and said, "This has high mercury content." I didn't really understand her so I said "excuse me" thinking maybe she was trying to tell me they were on sale and I should get more. She then said "Doctor Oz said this has a high mercury content and that's why I don't buy it."

Seriously? I don't give a fuck what you buy, lady. I politely said, "Yes I am aware it has a high mercury content, but we don't eat it often so I'm sure it's fine." Do I really have to defend my grocery purchases to the cashier at checkout? It's bad enough they have to see when I buy tampons, Imodium and KY His and Hers (I don't really buy that, maybe) but she must also give me a lesson on nutrition from something she learned on tv?

She went on and on about it and was telling me we should eat salmon instead and how good salmon is for you. She had stopped ringing up my things to tell me this. I had Fifi and Devil Baby with me and wanted to get the hell out of dodge. It was after school so naturally they were cranky-tired-hungry-fidgety. I am really at my everloving whit's end with cashiers and clerks, but that's a whole other post, possibly even another blog entirely, so I will stop there.

The clincher was in the parking lot as I loaded the groceries. There was a dog left in the car next door to mine who was barking. The windows were cracked, but this is Texas people. Sadly, we can't even turn on the tv without hearing about a child or someone dying from being left in a car in the heat. Everyone knows it's at least twenty degrees higher inside a car than outside. Well, maybe not everyone. Everyone is stupid, after all. It was about 90 degrees this day. 

Fifi pointed out there was a kid in the car with the dog and also another kid left in another car nearby. The kids seemed to be teens- maybe tweleve to fourteen, but still. I wanted to call the cops or wait for the drivers to come out, but alas, I'm not the parenting police. I didn't think there really was immediate danger, except from maybe kidnappers. Again, I can't control what everyone else is doing. I can barely take care of my own minions in between glasses of wine. Next time I'll remember to snap a pic and post it on  people of Walmart  or bad parents of Walmart, whatever is the most appropriate. 

As for the rude shoppers, I don't know what else to do but put spikes on my shopping cart wheels and stab them in the ankles the next time they pull this crap.

Also, from now on I'm pretending to speak a foreign language at check out so I don't have to put up with the cashiers' psychobabble. 

OMFG. This was exactly the scene and so could have been me!
 Blonde, two young girls and an Asian cashier.
Me staring in disgust and kids running amok, only my ass is bigger.
photo credit


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