Wednesday, August 28, 2013

In Defense of Miley at the VMA's

Because who the fuck cares? 

Really. Do you really have time to care? The internets and Facebook are all in a tizzy over this? You're shocked a young, overpaid celebrity put on a horrible, scandalous performance?

Oops she did it again.

Have you forgotten about Brittney spears showcasing her vagina to the world? Or Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton's vials of blood around their necks? Or Hugh Grant's arrest for soliciting a hooker? Or Governor Schwarzenegger knocking up his housekeeper and having a love child? And... do I really need to go on? Everyone is stupid and most celebrities are no exception.

Aw shucks.
The world is a vampire.

Full disclosure- I haven't seen the whole performance. Who has time to watch that crap? I have seen images and memes and blog posts and letters to daughters and scathing reviews of the alleged atrocity. And yes, I agree, it looked horrific. I don't know what compelled her to act that way.

But what do I know is this- isn't it a celebrity's or entertainer's job to shock and awe and get publicity? You know the old saying, "There's no such thing as bad publicity." And if you disagree, that's fine- but the point is everyone is talking about this and making a big deal out of it. If you don't want your kids to act that way, why are you talking about it and letting them see it or making them want to see it? Why give them any ideas? They hear everyone talking about it, and they see all the attention it's getting, and next thing you know they're in their bedroom with your favorite sports team's foam finger doing unmentionable things and your football watching season is officially ruined.  

Some want to blame Miley's parents. Yes, and we all know it is just as easy to stop a maniacal toddler from having a full blown meltdown in the middle of Walmart as it is to control a 20 year old former regimented Disney star, with millions of dollars at her disposal, who lives on her own, to do what we deem appropriate. And if you had been forced to sing cheesy teenie-bopper songs in a horrendous bleach blonde wig for years, you might be up on stage freaking the fuck out with her.

And where are the people freaking out about Robin Thicke? Wasn't he the one humping the young lady from behind? And was his song about fairy tale romance and chastity or about "you know you want it" and "you the hottest bitch in this place?" Don't get me wrong, that's my jam. No pun intended. But seriously- hypocritical much? And what is so bad about her being on Robin Thicke's jock anyway? He is an attractive and successful man. She could do much worse than Robin Thicke's wiener.  

It was a show. A performance. It was stupid and ugly and ridonk. But you watched it. And you talked about it. And you shared blog posts and letters from parents to their kids online about it.

At the end of the day, I'm not saying what she did was great or appropriate. I'm saying who the fuck cares. It got so much media hype that it sounds like more of an evil genius plan than a desperate skank vying for people's attention to me. So whatever to the whole thing... I don't care. I'm less Team Miley and more pro Robin Thicke's wiener anyway.  

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

To Devil Baby on Her 4th Birthday

On two separate occasions today, Devil Baby has thrown herself to the ground and wailed "you woo-end my life!" This after I took it to Chuck E Cheese for two hours today to celebrate her birthday afternoon. #ungratefulbeotch

This could be due to over tiredness or the all-sugar meal program she has been following strictly today- ice pops, cotton candy, cake- aka. "all three food groups." OR it could simply be because she is generally an evil spawn and is practicing her defense for court after she eats my face. I can hear it now: "But judge, my mom woo-end my life and all that sugar gave me dia-weeah, so I had to eat her face!" Case dismissed. 

Well played, Devil Baby, well played.

Here's a quick note to her so when she's grown and I'm gone, she can look back at these little nuggets and feel some joy in her cold, methodical heart:

Dear Devil Baby,

You are four now and totally awesome! Never lose your spunk and fearlessness. I could do without you running around the house singing your mash up version of "All the Single Ladies~Last Frwiday Night~I Don't Care" then running up to me with a ball up your shirt saying you have a baby in your tummy. What the fuck Devil Baby? 

Additionally, I'm glad you have decided all the boys in your pre-school are going to marry you. But you should probably give them a chance to get out of pull-ups before committing yourself to them, because some of them never stop needing pull-ups. 

I love your signing voice and your appreciation for animals, except when you want to kill them and eat them for dinner. Also, you freak me out a bit with all these "freaking ghosts" you keep mentioning are around the house. Tell them to leave us alone or make your head spin or something so they'll vacate the premises. 

Please be nice to your sister. You constantly beating her ass is not helping her self esteem and one day she may unleash the fury and lay you out. Then you'll have to eat her face and you need to save that get out of jail free card for when you do that to me.   

I love you. Continue to live, laugh, love, sing, dance, freak people the fuck out and swear to your heart's content. Never trust someone who doesn't swear or occasionally drink. You are already proficient at both. #proudmama Oh, and stop feeding your baby brother vodka. It's not medicine. 

Relax "baby brother" is an imaginary friend/doll/ghost.
Slow your CPS calling roll. It was empty. It's a joke, man.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Walmart and F-Bombs

Today, I was totally the white trash person of Walmart. Wiener had a conference call, so I had to get the screaming demons out of the house for a bit and decided a quick trip to the store for milk and eggs was in order. They do not sell vodka at our Walmart. Bastards. My outfit was perfection. No shower, dirty yoga pants, a neon orange Corona t-shirt, hat, no make-up. Devil Baby had un-brushed hair and was wearing a sparkly skin tight stripper dress. Fifi looked cute, except for the stringy beach hair.

We looked only one step up from the fluffy, frazzled mom of five we saw yesterday back to school shoe shopping with her brood who was walking through a strip mall pushing a newborn baby in a car seat plopped in a Target shopping cart smoking a cigarette. We weren't at Target. Classy.  

We made our rounds through the store uneventfully. Which is a pretty big feat considering Devil Baby usually asks for things the whole time and she and her sister fight and hit each other. Thank Baby Jesus in a tux for small mercies none of this happened during today's trip. As we were checking out, however, the natives began to get restless asking for candy and pinatas. No clue where pinata came from. Then they were messing with the child seat in the front of the cart, and also hitting each other, and I knew a finger pinch was in the foreseeable future.

By the time we got to the car and Fifi sighed heavily when I asked her to put the cart away for me, I had reached my limit. So, when I asked her to put up the middle seat on her side and sit there instead of the far back where I had to put the groceries, and she began arguing- I lost my shit. The clincher was when I responded to her protest with a loud "everything is not a motherfucking debate" just as I see the old man entering the car next to us. Oops. 

I was given dirty looks, but he knew what was good for him and kept his trap shut. Otherwise, I may have unleashed the hounds of PMS on him. Or not. I feel bad if I offended his delicate sensibilities, but I'm sure he has not known the insanity that is motherhood and the witching hour in the days before school starts. Kids become howler monkeys with ADD on meth. And if he is familiar with this, I'm sure he has either forgotten or has lost his cool at one time or another. So don't judge me, crotchety old man wearing a bucket hat. You need to get off my lawn.

And don't judge me, dear reader, for occasionally always using profanity around my evils. I'm just trying to prepare them for a life on the mean streets of suburbia and it isn't all rainbows and unicorns. Also, studies have shown it is good to swear in front of your kids. I want to marry her. 

Ma ma ma my Corona...

Sounds about right.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Racist Road Trip

This summer we took a road trip to visit family in various states. Actually, it was a planes, trains and automobiles type of road trip, minus the trains and add a shuttle bus around a resort complex.

There were a few interesting things that highlighted our trip proving racism is alive and well in the good 'ole U S of A. And by highlight I don't mean it was on a positive note, it just punctuated the fact that racism exists and everyone is stupid.

Our first encounter was driving through McAlester, Oklahoma en route to the Branson, Missouri area. There was a small motel with a sign out front that read "American Owned and Operated." What the actual fuck? How is this racist? I'll tell you. Why would we care if it was American owned and operated unless there are people that take issue with motels not being American owned and operated. And if they aren't American owned, who are they owned and operated by? So now we must wonder and worry who is owning these local motels and why should we be concerned they aren't American owned.

So what did it mean? An initial thought was that we were driving through an area with a lot of casinos and Native American nations. Surely this sign was not in reference to Native American owned businesses, because who is more motherfucking American than a god damned NATIVE AMERICAN?! Or was it in reference to any other ethnicity who owned businesses in the area? Why should it matter who owns the motel as long as it is clean, comfortable, and they have good customer service. Free wifi and vodka would be a plus, but I'll settle for clean and friendly any day over some chubby, cigarette smoking white man in a wife beater asking me if I need turn-down service. 

Next on our agenda was driving through the highways of Missouri headed to the St. Louis airport where we would catch a plane to visit family in Chicago. As we were enjoying our customary road trip beef jerky and nuts (that's what she said) I read a billboard that said "Man + Woman = Marriage." Yes, I know this isn't quite racist, but it is derogatory to a group of people nonetheless. It led me to wonder who footed the bill for this propaganda? Was it a church or a bored homophobe with deep pockets? If it was a church, couldn't this money have been better spent feeding a few homeless people, ya know, like how Jesus used to (allegedly) do? Because I'm sure everyone who read the sign immediately called their state representative to voice their disapproval for gay marriage rather than just continuing on to the lake or beer store or wherever they were heading. Also, I was quite amused at the amount of Queen played on the local radio stations during our drive through Missouri. It was almost as if there was a secret group of DJ Illuminati conspiring to brainwash the state and turn everyone gay and then legalize gay marriage, because we all know that's how one becomes gay.       

Chicago was enjoyably non-racist and we moved on to Michigan where we visited with some relatives (on Wiener's side) that we have not seen in a long time. One night after dinner, an older Uncle made a few inappropriate comments about Hispanics, particularly insensitive since we have several Hispanics in our family (and obviously not cool in general), which apparently opened the door for another family member to unleash his drunken racist redneck side. I defend my right to call him a redneck, since his neck is in fact red. I won't go into the nitty-gritty details of his comments, so as to not enrage you and cause you to punch the computer screen in anger, but let's just say I was disgusted and planned on giving him a good ass reaming in private- and not the kind some people enjoy.

So long story short, or not so much, one average family's summer vacation on the great American road was polluted by assholes who think they are better than everyone else and emit the sense of self entitlement they accuse other races, creeds, and cultures of doing. And that's calling the kettle black. #notracist

Chief Black Kettle
Black Kettle was a pragmatist who believed that US
 military power and the number of immigrants were overwhelming. 

He was a peacemaker who accepted treaties to protect his people. 

Now that's a real American. 

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Devil Baby Serial Killer Strikes Again

A random smattering of potential Devil Baby serial killer foreshadowing:

~One evening Devil Baby asked if we could have brains for dinner. Then she said she was going to eat her baby brother's brains, and then she said her baby brother said she couldn't eat his brains. She doesn't have a baby brother.

~During a bubble-bath one night she was in the tub eating the bubbles off a spoon and said "Yum! Brains are fantastic!"

~While I was emptying the dishwasher, she grabbed some tongs and said I'm going to cut your brains out.

She is definitely in a zombie brain phase and I swear we haven't watched Walking Dead in months!

~When Devil Baby plays hide and seek she likes to say "Come out, come out wherever you are." It would be cute if it didn't have the same eerie inflection as Robert DeNiro's character in Cape Fear.

~During an afternoon walk we saw a small bunny underneath the bushes quietly nibbling some grass. I pointed it out to Devil Baby and we oohed and ahhhed over it. As we walked home later she said "Mama can we kill the baby bunny and eat it for dinner?" 

~While being babysat at a friend's house, she kept telling them there were "Killer Clowns" lurking about. This was especially awesome because the man of the house is terrified of clowns. Simultaneously creepy and awesome.

~Lately, when Devil Baby gets frustrated she growls "murder." I don't know where she gets it. I usually yell "I'm going to kill you" when I'm enraged, but never murder.                                                                     
~When she gets mad she says "I'm getting very angry" in a hulk voice.

Stay tuned for more Devil Baby antics. Unless I get murdered by it or my brains eaten. #scared