Monday, April 15, 2013

More Devil Baby Serial Killer

It's been a while since I've shared any children fodder so I thought I'd update you on a few of Devil Baby's recent antics.

Devil Baby's handy work.
One night, she had a group of four small Disney characters in the bathtub with her. Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and Pete. I'm sitting in there with her, minding my own business, when I look over and she has them all submerged in a tupperware dish full of water and bubbles trapped under something heavy to hold them down. As I watched her "play" she was talking to them and I swear to God she growled "you'll never get out again, mwahahaha." Poor Mickey and the gang. 

When picking Devil Baby up from school one afternoon the teacher told me an interesting story. She said a boy in her class slept past the end of nap time and the teacher gently tried to coax him awake with no luck. Devil Baby then said to the teacher "he's dead." I of course, found this hilarious though somewhat disturbing, but I had to keep my composure in class as she tells me she then had to explain to Devil Baby "no honey, he's not dead, just super tired." Oops.



You better sleep with one eye open, Timmy...
One afternoon while helping me put away dishes, and by helping me, I mean helping her sister because ain't no-one got time for dishes, Devil Baby grabbed some tongs and walked up to me and said "I'm going to cut your brains out."

Which brings me to one night while putting her to bed and snugging while singing goodnight songs like you are my sunshine and itsy bitsy spider, Devil Baby leaned over and said "I'm going to eat your brains." Too much Walking Dead perhaps?

Shut your wine hole mom,
I'm fucking cleaning! 

And finally, this is less about Devil Baby becoming a serial killer and more of a cautionary tale about using profanities around your kids so often they begin to think swear words are every day adjectives. I caught Devil Baby in the bathroom with a bottle of windex and paper towels. I asked her what she was doing and she said as clear as day "I'm fucking cleaning." Excellent. Apparently, as everyone messes things up around the house after I have cleaned, I have the tendency to yell "What are you doing?! I just fucking cleaned that!" Or "Stop throwing water all over the bathroom Wiener, I was in here all day fucking cleaning." Well, as long as they're helping I guess I don't care what they fucking call it! 


Thursday, April 4, 2013

Happy Anniversary Wiener- Unless You're Gay, Then We Can't Be Married...

If you oppose same sex marriage, this
video may change your mind.
Wiener and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. Damn I feel old. It happened right around the time the Supreme Court was discussing same sex marriage. In light of that, I felt compelled to share my thoughts...

We have been married 17 years, been together for 20, and it is FUCKING HARD. During the course of our marriage there have been the good and bad times. We have been blissfully happy, wanted to murder each other and wanted to throw in the towel. But we made it this far.

We don't need a piece of paper to tell us we are married or to let others know we are committed and love each other.

But apparently you DO need a piece of paper to be treated equally in the eyes of the law. For example- regarding filing taxes jointly, covering one another on health insurance, addressing parental issues and even visiting a sick or dying partner in the hospital.

There are some that say marriage is between a man and a woman and God. To that I say- not anymore. And we made it that way. We as a nation have evolved to a place where marriage is more about different withholding rates, child income credits and astronomical health insurance premiums than the original intention of merging families for a dowry and procreating. If two people love each other and are dedicated to spending their lives together through the good, bad, ugly and fucking hard times, who are we to say no? No, you aren't good enough to reap these benefits. How dare we?

Why is it ok for men and women to marry and divorce and treat marriage like a disposable novelty, reaping benefits of marriage only to turn around and destroy each other in divorce with hate and child custody battles and evading child support? To be fair, many marriages are successful, but why are so many allowed to make mockery of it with divorce and spiteful antics while other dedicated, loving couples aren't given a chance simply because they share the same anatomy?

If your child wanted to try out for a team and was told no because she is a girl, you would scream sexism. Not equal. If you thought your ethnicity prevented you from accomplishing something, you would scream racism. Not equal.  If you were told you couldn't vote because you are a woman, marry because you are white and your fiance is black, sit in a diner with people of other races and ethnicities or sit where you please on a freaking bus, you would say---> N O T   E Q U A L!!!   How can we claim liberty and justice for all while intentionally excluding a group of citizens from being allowed to participate in and benefit from the laws of our nation?

Fortunately, history is on the side of people fighting in support of same sex marriage. It is the natural progression of things. It is the right thing to do. Allowing same sex couples to marry will not impact my marriage in any way. If anything, I feel a sense of shame that I am privy to rights that my fellow humans are not.

Word to your mother.
Still, some oppose it and mostly cite religious beliefs. And if that's how they feel and they think same sex marriage is wrong, or being gay altogether is wrong, that's their right to believe. But let's not forget this country was founded by people who wanted to practice religion as they wished- so why is it not ok to persecute them for their religious beliefs, but it is ok to persecute people for their feelings and deny them their inalienable human and civil rights? IT'S NOT OK. You can't have it both ways. Perhaps there needs to be biblical marriage for all those who view marriage as a religious union between man, woman and God and legal marriage for those who want government recognition and equality in tax filings and insurance coverage, etc. Those choosing a biblical marriage can keep their godly union, but pay the higher single tax rate and not reap any lawful benefits.

There is separation of church and state specifically so these types of issues don't arise. So religious rules and beliefs do not guide lawful and government decisions to negatively impact our citizens. And that's something traditional marriage proponents don't understand. They don't have a say in the matter. The constitution provides them with freedom of religion and to believe as they choose- it does not provide them with the right to define marriage to our lawmakers.

Making this point even more- churches do not pay any taxes. No federal or local taxes on their income. No property taxes on their churches or fellowship halls. All these mega-churches building huge, obnoxious buildings on vast amounts of land, filling them with state of the art electronics and technologies, paying celebrities and the like to speak and entice more followers into the church.... pay no taxes. Yes, pastors and church employees pay income tax on any salaries they receive, but as an organization, income received or properties owned are not taxable. So why then are church organizations allowed to lobby and dictate to our government what laws and rights its citizens are entitled to? Last time I checked, citizens paid income and property taxes to the government so shouldn't they be entitled to the same rights as the rest of the nation's residents?

And while we are on the subject of taxes- income tax was not implemented until 1913, so really before then one could argue marriage was primarily a religious union. But fast forward 100 years to 2013 and we now have more people marrying in civil ceremonies such as at the Justice of the Peace and by non-religious affiliated individuals certified by law to marry couples, with no mention of God or religion whatsoever. So with this information alone (people marrying in non religious-civil ceremonies) the argument can no longer be made that marriage is solely a godly union.

And I know it sounds like I'm raging on religion and churches. That's not my intention- my intention is to use satire and sarcasm to show how hypocritical and ridiculous the fact that two people who want to marry (and receive lawful recognition and benefits) cannot marry primarily because a large group says it is against their beliefs. God forbid the Atheists start trying to get rid of churches and religion stating it is against their beliefs.

So here's hoping the near future will bring true equality to all citizens and humanity. Because I'm all for equal rights and I love the idea of more people joining my personal hell also known as marriage. Suckers! 

Our Anniversary Cake. Run Wiener, run!