Thursday, November 29, 2012

How Kids Ruin Your Day

No one really tells you kids ruin your life. They may tell you how much things will change and how hard it will be. But we know those sentiments are mostly ignored.

Someone needs to start an in your face boot camp for doe-eyed expecant parents and slap some sense into them so they really know what it will be like.

I had lunch today with some of my wine o'clock moms and we were discussing how one of their siblings was handling being a new parent. CeeCee explained that the first time parents hadn't been alone with the new baby until he was at least five weeks old. They had grandmas and relatives from both sides staying with them for weeks on end and even persuaded one grandma to come back from out of state for several more weeks. Now this was as normal of a delivery as there can be- no major medical issues, etc. The new parents were just completely overwhelmed with their new little bundle, expecting him to arrive potty trained and sleeping through the night. Bahahahaaahaa!

Point is, no matter how ready you think you are, how much advice you receive or reading you do will prepare you for the harsh reality that smacks you in the face once the demon spawn spring from your loins. And it's not just the initial hell of post childbirth that is stitches and ice packs and goo oozing from everywhere, it's how your life is irreversibly changed for all of eternity.    

In other words, it's not just a few sleepless nights and babyproofing. Some things to consider before having kids:

You will no longer be able to have sushi and vodka lunches at your whim.

You will not sleep for at least 20 years, if even then.

Your home will NEVER be clean. And if it is, stop taking your kid's ADHD meds.

They piss and shit everywhere.

They do not pick up after themselves.

You will become a referee for deathboxing matches.

They don't fucking listen.

You will never have a shred of privacy again.

You will become suddenly embarrassed of your body as they will say things like 'you have a hairy butt' or 'you have poo poo' when referring to your private bits.

Now before you send me hate mail calling me a cold heartless bitch, please know that I love my evil minions with all my heart. But that doesn't change the fact that they can be fucking annoying and are the primary reason I'm developing a drinking problem. Wine softens the blow.

I used to have a life.
Then  I had kids.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Poop Rage

So I must have eaten five times my weight in turkey with trimmings this Thanksgiving because I can't seem to get out of the bathroom. Gross, huh! Not that I have an upset stomach, it's the regular type of number two, just a lot of it. TMI?

Lest you think I'm only good for complaining about political hi-jinks, I felt it necessary to share some non political fodder.  

When not raging, I strive to find humor in everyday life. Kids are especially good at saying ridiculous things that are easy to make fun of. Just be sure to do it behind their backs (or on an anonymous public blog for all the world to see) to save them from embarrassment.

Here are some recent musings:

While out with Fifi, we passed a big dude on a Harley whose bike was adorned with metal rivets. It was very bad ass. Fifi said "omgosh his motorcycle is bedazzled." Thank God the windows were up.

The other day I was driving with Devil Baby when she asked me something that I swear was "let's go to the liquor store."  Turns out she wanted me to sing twinkle twinkle little star.  I was quite disappointed. 

Fifi announced the other day that a girl should always be cuter than their husband or boyfriend so he'll never leave HER. She also said "a boyfriend that has a sense of humor and can make you laugh- now that's the killer." And that she hates "clingy boys." Jeez. Where does she get these things? I feel sorry for the poor bastard that marries her already.

Devil Baby is very into poop and butt humor these days. She likes to call people "poo poo booty face." She also likes to threaten to "I fawt on you!" Totally hilarious. I don't know where she gets her potty mouth.

Poor kid. Must have gone potty after I was in there-
hence the noxious fumes.

Also my dear, sweet, aging cat decide to take a ginormous dump on one of our formal dining chairs the day before Thanksgiving. I was worried she might be getting sick or have a terminal illness as this has never happened before. But since it was a one time thing, I decided she must be jealous of all the time I have been spending in the bathroom. Either that or she was staking her claim to her place at the dinner table, because no one wants to sit in that chair now no matter how many times it has been scrubbed with harsh abrasive chemicals.

Well played evil cat, well played.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Yep, Everyone's Still Stupid

Well the big Presidential election is over, so it is somewhat safe to venture back onto social media. Or so I thought. 

The first few days following the election, everyone was busy complaining about people on welfare and the throngs of moochers living on the government's dime. I wonder if they realize trying to get as many questionable tax breaks as they can or claiming a personal receipt at a restaurant was a "business dinner, hardy har har" is basically the same thing as what some welfare recipients do- they're both taking advantage of the system for their benefit and financial gain. But since they have jobs I guess their self entitlement super cedes anyone else's need for basic food and shelter.

And now residents of my home state, among others, are leading the charge and asking for secession from the United States since they do not like or agree with election results or some of the programs and laws the government has put into place. I guess they don't realize how much we rely on the US government for funding and support and we will in essence become the very same scourge of society and aliens they complain about.

True post on my Facebook feed.
Maybe they learned English at a college or something and not the
 middle school she maybe dropped out of after being knocked up.
At least she's honest enough to call herself by what she is.

With that I shall once again withdraw into a post election buffer zone waiting for the self righteous and entitled to cool their jets. I only hope when Texas becomes its own nation I can still get my hands on some fine Russian vodka without paying exorbitant taxes, because I would not be down with throwing my Cape Cod into the Gulf of Mexico and calling it the Mexico Vodka Party. That would just be a waste.