Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Who is in Charge of the Internet?

It seems like everyone wants to take credit for creating the Internet- Al Gore, Obama, the government, Bill Gates, the Chinese, Kanye. 
OK, I made some of those up.

But no one wants to take responsiblity for the mess.

Kind of like on an episode of Maury. "Yeah, I slept with that bitch. I take full credit for tappin that ass. Say what? Hell naw that ain't my kid. No way. I ain't taking responsibility for that shit. Deuces."

The internet is such a mess. And by mess, I mean gigantic clusterfuck. And by gigantic clusterfuck, I mean mega-atomic clusterfuck.

I'm somewhat technologically savvy. I can find Scooby Doo on demand for devil baby. I can upload pictures from my iPhone to Facebook. I can dial a rotary phone like nobody's business. I got mad skills.

I've got the whole Facebook thing pretty much down, until they change the format and privacy settings, then it's back to square one- but it's manageable.

So I get online to figure out how this Twitter shit works. I've been pretty much avoiding it since I heard a lot of people were having public arguments and I didn't want to accidentally piss someone off because I'm non-confrontational.


That's my biggest fear. Heated public arguments. Well, that and dance-offs.


I was trying to find out more info on the whole Bloggess/Wil Wheaton story and the search brought me to Twitter because they tweet each other (and I wanted in on that shit, because I'm nosy like that) and then it told me I had to log in to follow and I clicked log in and it said "forbidden." 



HOLY SHIT, I broke the Twitter! 

Or I have been banned? What the fuck? I've never been on there. They must know I'm not cool enough to be on there.

In the interest of full disclosure, you should know that I also may have been confusing Wil Wheaton with Joss Whedon, the creator of Firefly, which I LOVE (nerd alert) that stars Nathan Fillion, who I love more. 

So I was looking for the inside scoop and possible insight into his whereabouts when I found this, which was awesome and made me feel less stupid about my plan to stalk Nathan Fillion via Wil Wheaton, who I thought was Joss Whedon. 


And never you mind why I didn't just follow Nathan Fillion directly on Twitter. I have a process, people.

Also, it turns out Wil Wheaton is interesting and apparently he played Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation which I used to watch, but enough about my lameocity. 

The point is, anytime you look for a how-to article or tutorial there are a million different ones to choose from and many are incorrect or outdated and there are also a lot of abandoned sites and broken links.

Just.A.Motherfucking.Nightmare.

So I'm not in favor of a policing entity online or anything, you know, free speech and all, but maybe just some kind of quality control division that tells site owners: 

"This site is outdated. Please take it down or update it. Contrary to your instructions, to tweet you must now use ¥ instead of # and € instead of @. Also you must do this while standing on your head. And you must do a tequila shot when someone says trending. And trending is being replaced by vogueing. And by the time you finish reading this, all aforementioned changes will be null and void."

But seriously, can someone please clean up the clutter? Help a sister out with the correct information on how-to sites and make better tutorials on technology for dummies..err the somewhat savvy.


Also, you may have noticed that I learned how to link other pages to my blog.


I figured that shit out on my own...
So suck it, Internet.


Monday, July 30, 2012

Lame Trick & OldSmith

I went to an Aerosmith / Cheap Trick concert last weekend.

As Cheap Trick performed I was transported back to the days of arena rock. Of course there were some differences- no sinus clogging smoke or greasy haired mullet guys in sleeveless concert T's and ripped jeans.

But there was still a nasty smell- a combo of what was either stale nachos or body odor or both, plus OLD greasy haired mullet guys in sleeveless concert T's and ripped jeans.

Cheap Trick sounded great. But there is something about a 60 year old geriatric screeching "do you want to party" that makes you not want to party.

I mean it was after ten, I was out of the house wearing something other than pajamas and there was not a minion in sight. Was this not partying?

Finally, Aerosmith came to the stage. 

I should preface this by saying despite their age they brought the motherfucking house down!

But Steven Tyler IS 64 and has had a few incidents on stage recently, so I spent the first half of the show worrying about him.

"Careful Steven, you're dancing a bit close to the edge of the stage. Don't spin like that- you're going to get dizzy and fall. For the love of God DO NOT climb on top of that piano!!"

Overall it was fan fucking-tastic. 

Aerosmith is a band that has rocked for over forty years and has managed to stay relevant and fresh. That's fresh as in new material and sound not as in 80's fresh and totally like grody. 

They are definitely an American icon and dare I say the US version of the Rolling Stones, only less stuffy.

I only hope that when I'm 64 I can gyrate and shake my money maker like Steven Tyler.

Hell, I wish I could do that now! 


Sunday, July 29, 2012

Homicidal

So I was at Chuck E Cheese today.

It was a self preservation tactic. Well mostly just a tactic so no one in my house got themselves murdered.

It was relatively empty and I thanked Jesus Christ Superstar for this gift. After all, I didn't want anybody else's kids to get themselves murdered either.

All was quiet and going smoothly until I got in line to order some snacks.

There was a father with two small kids between the ages of 5-7 ahead of me. I'm a bad judge of age in children, mostly because I hate them all, but I would say 5 to 7 is a good guess. One boy and a girl.

And they were beating the shit out of each other. Not a gentle push here or tap on the arm there, but full-on balls to the wall punching and shoving into the counter. Hard.

The father was on the phone. He was having an in depth conversation about a person who had "serious psychological problems and mental issues in general...she's just awful and doesn't know the trouble she causes with her behavior."

Not once did he say anything to these kids engaged in a full scale WWE smack down battle.

Not ONE. SINGLE. WORD.

The kids were bumping into people and knocking things off the counter all the while putting the hurt on each other.

When it was his turn to order he made the cashier wait as he continued his phone conversation about this other person who was irritating him and how no one else saw her issues because "everyone is stupid."

Yes. Yes they are.

Through my teeth I hissed "keep your hands to yourself" in the general direction of the boy who either didn't hear or ignored me because he's allowed to do whatever the fuck he wants.

They ordered and left and so did we. But we met again at the soda counter.

The father filled cups with drinks while the phone was still stuck to his ear. Satan's minions were still at it and during another round of battle they knocked into my tween causing her soda to spill all over her. Unscathed, she said "those kids are so annoying and they made me spill my drink" as she pointedly rolled her eyes.

Despite this, we still had as much fun as one can have trapped in a germ riddled tomb nestled in the bowels of hell.

Occasionally, I did notice the father chasing the demons around as they continued hitting one another and terrorized other small children who made the mistake of playing the games they wanted to play. And no they will not wait their turn, fuck you very much.

Normally I don't say things to other parents about their kids unless someone's life is on the line. But I think this dad seriously needed to be told-

"HEY! You're doing the world a disservice by raising serial killers. Please teach them not to hit and keep their hands to themselves or at least act civil when in public."

Personally, I would lose my shit if someone gave me unsolicited parenting advice, but I can't help but think this poor sap might need some direction or insight. But I want to know what you think...

My question to you, readers (all four of you) is this:

Is it appropriate to say things to parents when their kids are behaving in a disruptive and potentially harmful manner?

Is it ok to address the little bastards directly?

Is it frowned upon to strangle other people's kids?

Ok- I know the answer to the last one but I just want to put it out there in case I missed a memo or something.

So let me hear what you think...

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Sounds of Silence


In between day dreams of Tina Fey inviting me to lunch to tell me how perfectly dry my humor is and begging me to write for 30 Rock and Chelsea Handler whisking me away to Cabo for one of her infamous vodka soaked play-cations, what I aspire to most is to be is left the fuck alone.

Alone to shit whilst a toddler says she wants to watch me go poopy. Alone to pee without a husband who needs me to proof read an e-mail and bringing me a laptop mid-stream or a tween coming in to ask me 'whatcha doin?'

No, Discover, I don't care that my bill is past due and no, I don't want to pay it. 
No, PTA President, I don't want to volunteer at the cake walk or book fair. 
No, telemarketer, I don't want to buy a timeshare in Haiti. 
No, Facebook freak, I do not want to accept your Farmville invitation. 
No, saleslady, I don't want you to a start dressing room for me. 
No, friend of a friend, I don't want to have a Mary Kay party!

I realize I may eventually live like a lonesome shut in with five cats and an imaginary soccer ball friend named Paco. Dear, wonderful Paco who lets me pee in private and does not sass talk me.

But I will at long last be alone to bask in my very own pit of glorious solitude.


Friday, July 27, 2012

Blogos-Fear


I'm relatively new to the blogosphere, but already some of the other ones are annoying the shit out of me. 

I have only been reading certain ones on an ongoing basis for about two months. Before that I would read one every now and then if it was shared on facebook or when I stumbled upon a piece doing a Google search and probably didn't know it was even a blog.

There are a few small to widely popular blogs I read regularly- some I follow here and others I do not. Apparently, there are certain subjects and phrases that are getting under my skin. 

And while I don't claim to be the most prolific writer, surely they are talented enough to find suitable alternatives to their pithy overused comments and sad sack material.

Several I have read recently repeatedly use the following sayings or topics.

"Yet, I digress." Or simply "I digress."

digress [daɪˈgrɛs]
vb (intr)
1. to depart from the main subject in speech or writing
2. to wander from one's path or main direction

I have never seen this statement used more in any other writing form than on blogs. And if it is frequently appearing on the 7 or 8 blogs I read regularly, I shudder to think that they may appear on many more and we have an epidemic on our hands.

Most readers are savvy enough to understand that you temporarily got off the main topic and eventually got back to the story. I'm guessing even stupid people can follow along when a piece resembles: "I was doing this and this happened which reminds me of a time when this happened, but now I want to go back and talk about the first thing that happened."

Throwing, "yet, I digress" in there is just overstating the obvious and coming off as pretentious.

......OK sorry about that. I had to step away for a minute. What? You didn't notice I was gone? Yes, I stepped away because I had to drop a deuce. What? You don't like bathroom humor? I didn't mean to offend your delicate sensibilities. I enjoy bathroom humor because I have the maturity of a 15 year old boy. Yet, I digress...(no shit)

Another term I've spotted often is "anyhoo." It's not even a real word so the only definition available is in the Urban Dictionary. But I think it's quite fitting:

anyhoo
1. Used by many people, usually the vocabulary impaired, as a means of saying 'anywho or anyhow.'

2. A corrupt form of, or variation in, the pronunciation of anyhow. Thus having nearly the same meaning as anyway. Used to return to the main point in conversation, or to move the thread on from a previous topic.

3. A really irritating, cheesy way of saying anyhow.

As in "I think I am so cool by changing the word anyhow to anyhoo, but I am not. I sound stupid, but anyhoo, I have work to do."

I'm all for making shit up. Fo shizzle, wurd, craptastic: fun words to emphasize a story and to add spice are the shiz nit.

But anyhoo just sounds lame and I picture a plump jovial woman from Minnesota using it to segue from  a gab fest with the neighbors about the upcoming county fair apple pie contest and saying "Anyhoo I need to get back to pruning my roses."

A popular topic among lady bloggers:

Weight Loss.

Oh poor me. I had a kid. I'm 5-20 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight. My personal trainer is kicking my ass. My Lululemon yoga pants are too tight. I am so bad I ate a bite of pizza/donut/burrito/cake. They went straight to my thighs. I'm going to have to take ten extra Zumba classes to work them off.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We all have our own personal goals, insecurities and body image issues. But it's crap like this that fuels society to perpetuate the unattainable as the norm and capitalize on our vulnerabilities. Either you're fishing for a compliment with this or your body image is fantastically fucked. Either way, get over it and enjoy life or tell someone who cares.

Entertain me god damn it.

The moral is- get a thesaurus, mix it up, use extraordinary made up words and knock off the woe-is me material.

I could go on I suppose. But why scarf down the whole pie now when we can daintily nibble on many delectable slices of smack talk for months to come.

Plus my Moscato is getting warm. And I won't have that shit.   







Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Kids Shows

What the hell is wrong with kids shows today? Maybe I'm old school but a cheesy dose of Scooby Doo or learning about the government by singing "I'm Just a Bill" sounds like the perfect way to spend the day. Has all the good material been used up so we have to think WAY outside of the box and create shows so bizarre just to have something new to air?

In this day and age of appropriateness, political corrective-ness, learning and nurturing, I still question the choices on air today being touted as "good for kids."

Granted I have taken a liking to several kids shows because I have a tween. I rather like iCarly, VicTorious and Good Luck Charlie. I used to like Zoey 101 before Jamie Lynn Spears got knocked up, but can't watch it anymore without wondering if they were all doing each other while on set.

Let's review, shall we:  

Yo Gabba Gabba reminds me of a bad acid trip I had in '89. They are creepy and weird and make no sense. The bands they have on all act like they're on drugs and the songs are always trippy and psychedelic.

Calliou is a whinny twat that needs to be punched in the face. Seriously. He is always complaining and pouting. I cannot understand why his parents don't tell him to just shut the fuck up.

Olivia is a self centered bossy mean girl. She is selfish; never wanting to share or play with her brother and she is always trying to show off in class and be better than everyone else. I see no value whatsoever in this show.

Ruby and Max- Ruby is a self indulgent drama queen and they are always unsupervised. Also she is stupid because she never realizes it is Max taking her toy, doll, tiara, jewelry, candy, basket. Really? Get a clue.

Dora is sort of cute, but you can't overlook her incestuous feelings towards her cousin Diego and I won't even get into Diego's inappropriate crush on his own older sister Alicia. What happens in the jungle should stay in the jungle.

The Upside Down Show/Wiggles- More weirdos that fit the exact description of people we teach our kids to stay away from. I have no evidence, only a strong suspicion they are all tripping balls on 'shrooms during filming.

Let's look at some shows geared towards older kids:

The Fred Show- What in God's name is wrong with that kids voice? Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to have a show where the main character's voice sounds like a dying llama screeching while scratching its hooves down the chalkboard for an hour? And why does no one in the show seem affected or bothered and concerned by it? I would be freaking the fuck out.

Pretty Little Liars- OK, it is probably meant for mature teen to adult audiences, but being on ABC Family I would (wrongly) assume a family channel wouldn't air shows with slutty teen miscreants running around calling each other bitches.

Don't believe me? Here are a few quotes from the show:

Spencer: Just be careful and wear sensible shoes.
Hanna: I wear three inches or nothing.    
(Phallic and overtly sexual)

Paige: I'm not drunk. I'm hungry and your cupcakes taste like old pennies.
(under age drinking and rude)

A: Buckle up, Bitches. Nothing is as it seems.
(swearing- where the fuck is Disney?)



Spencer: He stuck his hands in her panty drawer.
(slutty)


So when my oldest was watching the last one and I told her to turn it off because it was inappropriate, I was met with "Are you kidding me, I already watched two seasons of WEEDS with you!" Insert eye roll.

Ummm....ooops?

In hindsight, maybe Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers were off their rockers and strange, but it was also the 70's so it was normal then. And I thought we've made progress and done away with all the old stuff from that era like high-waisted jeans and prairie skirts. 

What's that? They're back in? Crap.

At any rate, kids shows just aren't what they used to be. They're full of tantrums, whining and inappropriate foul language and if anyone is going to teach my kids how to throw a hissy fit and drop the F-Bomb, it's going to be me, damn it!


Monday, July 16, 2012

Top 10 Reasons Wiener Might Be Gay

Firstly, I have no issue with being gay. I think people are people just trying to live life and they can love who they want to love and should all be treated with equality and respect.

I don't know why it has become commonplace to joke about a heterosexual person being gay and it is supposed to be funny. But sometimes it just is. Maybe it began as an outlet to insult homophobes and show them how stupid they are.

Sometimes I wonder if the gay and lesbian community disses each other by saying "Oh my God, Chuck did the straightest thing the other day- he left the toilet seat up AND hair in the sink! Or Pat is so straight, she wore heels and a bra to the office party!"

In any case, I write this piece with no insult intended to the gay and lesbian community. It is not an insult to be gay and, yes, I am seriously stereotyping here but it is all in good fun.

For years I have teased my husband that he might be gay. He is prone to some sensitive and artsy tendencies. He also has opinions on my wardrobe regarding what I should wear or not and what would work better. I guess this could make him more of a woman than gay, but I'm sticking with gay. Also, sometimes I secretly wish he was gay because "not tonight I have a headache" gets really old and it would be so much easier if he had a boyfriend with equal testosterone levels and would leave me the hell alone.

Here are some little gems Wiener has come up with through the years that seriously have me questioning his sexuality and/or gender:

1. While watching The Green Lantern he asked who the main female character was. I said it was Blake Lively. He asked what else she's been in and I mentioned she was in Gossip Girl and the traveling pants movie. He said "Like I've heard of the traveling pants movie." Then he said very excitedly "Oh, you mean The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!?  Yes, there's a part one AND two. Now I remember her."

2. While playing pool with married friends Raquel and Jake we decided to split up and Wiener said "Let's play couples, Jake you're with me!"

3. Recently he said  "I love the preview for Magic Mike when Matthew McConaughey is going over the rules in the strip club and says Now ladies, you can't touch, but it looks like there's some lawbreakers in here tonight!"

4. Driving through Colorado this summer he says out of the blue "I could eat trout for a week."

5. Also during the Colorado trip he randomly said, "I feel like Julia Roberts. I have something in my teeth that I can't get out." I guess it was in a movie of hers. I have no recollection of this. Sounds like he was covering up feeling like Julia Roberts and blurting that out.

6. His favorite movie is Some Kind of Wonderful or Pretty Woman depending on his mood any given day.

7. He once said he needed a pager so his pimps could reach him.

8. He loves Glee.

9. His favorite actress is Mary Stuart Masterson or Kathy Bates. (see mood) Also, if not gay, wouldn't it be like Megan Fox or Olivia Wilde or some smoking hot chick?

10. I have no more direct quotes, but I only know he has a very particular opinion about my clothes and shoes. It often starts with "You're wearing that?" Or "You're not wearing those shoes are you?" Who looks at shoes besides gay men and straight women?

So there you have it. Wiener might be gay or a female- you be the judge. I'll will keep you posted on any future gender bending tidbits.