Monday, December 31, 2012

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy busy with the holiday season and taking care of sick minions and spouse. We have been sick with more crap this year than ever before. Oh well.

We've had our ups and downs and run-ins with idiots and much rage, but overall 2012 has been a pretty good year. I can't wait to see what's in store for 2013, since we all survived the Mayan-Zombie-Apocalypse for now. 

And lest I bid adieu to 2012 without sharing any more juicy nuggets with you, I'll leave you with this holiday gem:

While making my traditional holiday candies this year, I was asking Wiener his thoughts on the salted dark chocolate nut clusters I make and whether I should make a whole batch like usual or if a half batch would suffice. So I said "What do you think- a whole batch or a half batch?" His response?

"I like my nuts straight up."

You're welcome. Happy New Year! 

Image Via

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Ahhh the Holidays......

Ahhh the holidays.

That special time of year where everyone debates the true meaning of Christmas and criticizes everyone else's choice of words as they attempt to spread holiday cheer.

As if when someone says "Happy Holidays" they obviously mean "fuck Jesus" and can't possibly be saying "hey, enjoy this time of year which includes Christmas and New Years and also other holidays like Hanukkah and Kwanza."

The Jesus is the Reason for the Season and Keep Christ in Christmas posts as well as the I say Merry Christmas and so should you or you're going to hell memes are as entertaining as ever. Funny thing is that, even though I'm not particularly religious, I have always mostly said Merry Christmas. Sometimes I do say happy holidays, not for fear of insulting someone, but I think this time of year is magical and not just about Christmas. We have Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years back to back and I kind of lump them all together in one greeting. Plus there's Yom Kippur, Hanukkah, Kwanza and Chinese New Year. I'm too lazy to call them each by name. As a matter of fact, if I were Santa, I would probably simply yell "yo, reindeer, let's go!"

Sadly, this year's proper holiday greeting argument was overshadowed by the tragedy in Connecticut. I won't even offer my two cents or chime in on the issue. It's simply a horrific tragedy that should never have happened and we are all forever scarred because of it.

But the holidays wouldn't be the holidays if people weren't arguing about something. You know what I'm talking about. If it's not the which in-laws to spend the holidays with debate, it's the how much to spend on the kids, or we're getting a Frazier fir this year because last year you got to pick the Noble and it's my turn. (The last one was mine and Wiener's annual argument for years. True story.) 

So this year's holiday-time hot button argument is gun control. I won't delve too much into this either as it gets me fired up, no pun intended, but I will say this: My 'conservative' friends are saying "it's my second amendment right to bear arms, you can't take that away" and "the answer is to put God back in schools." My 'liberal' friends are saying "let's talk about the issue and open a dialogue about mental health and gun safety and look into options to preventing further tragedies." 

I haven't seen any posts calling for a ban on guns. Not that people aren't saying that, I just haven't seen them. Frankly, I have no problem with people owning guns. I would just like to see some more safeguards like mandatory gun safety and training classes, required licensing and registration and required gun safes for all owners. But I would also like to pee without a toddler and pre-teen audience and I don't see anyone rushing to make that dream a reality either.

I have more holiday fodder to share with you but I will save it for another post. The natives are getting restless, and by natives I mean the evil minions, and by restless I mean they are arguing about fruit. And by fruit I do not mean vodka soaked melon balls which I so wish I had right now.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Fucking Christmas Cards

Every year people try to create the perfect Christmas card, displaying their angelic children or how wonderful their lives are. In recent years the trend of sending photo cards has gone to the extreme. To some it is a competition of who has the most artful pictures on the most luxurious paper. To others it's an opportunity to brag about their lives and children in one of those dreaded holiday letters. Gone are the days of simply picking up a cute pack of cards at the drug store and scribbling a quick note then mailing them.

I don't know why, but every year I think it will be so quick and easy to take a snapshot of the minions and slap it on a pre-made design then, voila! Pick them up at Walgreen's and go. That's much easier said than done.

This year's card fiasco began when I decided to throw dresses on the girls and run into the yard for a quick photo shoot. We spend a few minutes brushing hair and applying a few curls for an extra finishing touch. Fifi adds a dab of lip gloss for the perfectly polished pout, then we head outside.

I'm by no stretch of the imagination a photographer, but with my handy DSLR camera and some fancy dresses on the kids, the pictures are usually pretty good. Unless one is sick and every picture features a huge snot string dangling down her nose and the other is grumpy and uncooperative because she doesn't like sitting in the yard with the bugs.

Devil Baby won't look at the camera and Fifi is trying to do her version of the coy cocked-head model smile, which just makes her look like she's having some sort of seizure. When Devil Baby does look towards me for a split second, Fifi is distracted by an invisible flying bug. When Fifi finally flashes her normal gorgeous, glowing smile, Devil Baby throws her head into Fifi's lap and starts sucking her thumb. I get upset, yell profanities ('tis the season), the kids start pouting, I snap some pics of the pouty faces and threaten to put them on the cards, the kids start giggling and finally I capture the perfect giggly, smiley picture reserved for the best Norman Rockwell paintings. Except for the snot string. Damn it!

When I finally have one or two pictures worthy of center stage on my card I peruse the designs at Shutterfly. I create two or ten of my favorite layouts. Then I cannot decide which one I like best. Wiener, of course, does not like any of my selections- we have very different tastes. I flip flop on the designs and can't pick one. Maybe I'll order two or three different layouts. But how to decide who to send which one to? I delay some more and the coupon codes expire. Do I need to spend this much on stupid Christmas cards, I wonder? I throw together some designs on the Walgreen's site, but I love the look of the matte paper instead of the glossy.

Jeezus, you'd think my house would be immaculate as anal retentive as I'm being about fucking Christmas cards that people will glance at for two seconds and toss in the trash. Maybe I'll just scrap the whole concept of sending out Christmas cards. This way I'll have more cash to spend on what's really important this time of year. That's right, vodka. You know me so well...

Some features must be changed to protect the innocent.
 See, I wasn't lying about the snot string.
Now she looks like a bandit zombie with a snot string.