Saturday, October 20, 2012

Wouldn't You Like to Be Stupid Too?

Just one shoe needs the lift.
You can't even tell which one.
The other day Raquel made fun of my adventures in tampon usage. Her exact words were "Baahaahaa! You stuck a plastic applicator in your vajayjay!" And that's fine. I find that getting older kills, or at the very least, dulls your sense of embarrassment.

Because truthfully we've all done stupid, embarrassing things. I'm stupid, you're stupid, everyone's stupid. Wouldn't you like to be stupid too? And that's what makes it so much easier to share embarrassing stupid stories- we all do these things. Well maybe not sticking an entire plastic tampon in your ladybits, but you get the gist. 

One of Wiener's friends reads my blog. He called Wiener and said "Have you read your wife's blog? Did you know she said this and said that?" I'm sure he was referring to the post about reasons why Wiener is gay. And Wiener just said "Yep, mmhmm, yes, I know."

What's the point of getting embarrassed or upset? I'm not being mean and malicious. Otherwise I wouldn't have told him about the blog in the first place. He would have to read my secret ninja blog for that.

On that note- I think sharing my own stories of idiocy makes it easier for my readers to appreciate when I do go off on tangents about other people being asswipes. I've paid my dues and earned a bit of karmic leeway to poke fun at others for entertainment purposes.

For instance---I'll leave you with this story:

I have one leg that's slightly longer than the other. Granted we're talking millimeters here. It's pretty much insignificant and you would never know. I never knew this and as a result over time one of my hips has been wearing down more quickly because it gets more weight put on it because of the height difference.

I learned this after my hip popped one day and I was paralyzed by excruciating pain. Since then, I wear a heel lift in my right shoe to raise that side up to be even with the other leg. It's just a thin piece of cork or foam and hardly makes a difference really, but I can certainly tell when I don't wear it because my back will ache. Ah, the joys of getting old.

One day Devil Baby was playing in my underwear drawer where I keep my spare heel lift insert. What? Doesn't everyone keep random weird things in their underwear drawer? (You know you do.) She threw everything on the floor and I was afraid she would lose my heel lift.

I picked it up off the floor and flew into a rage with her demanding she tell me where the other one was. I tossed my room looking and even tried to rationalize with her by showing her two shoes and saying "one shoe, two shoes" and holding up the lift and saying "one- where is the other one?"

It took a good thirty minutes of searching (while Devil Baby watched me like I was batshit crazy) for me to finally give up, when I had an epiphany. Or a moment of clarity in a world of insanity--> Just one of my legs was shorter than the other; therefore I only needed, and had, only one heel lift. 

Duh. Am I stupid or what? 

Please don't answer that...

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