Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Kids Shows

What the hell is wrong with kids shows today? Maybe I'm old school but a cheesy dose of Scooby Doo or learning about the government by singing "I'm Just a Bill" sounds like the perfect way to spend the day. Has all the good material been used up so we have to think WAY outside of the box and create shows so bizarre just to have something new to air?

In this day and age of appropriateness, political corrective-ness, learning and nurturing, I still question the choices on air today being touted as "good for kids."

Granted I have taken a liking to several kids shows because I have a tween. I rather like iCarly, VicTorious and Good Luck Charlie. I used to like Zoey 101 before Jamie Lynn Spears got knocked up, but can't watch it anymore without wondering if they were all doing each other while on set.

Let's review, shall we:  

Yo Gabba Gabba reminds me of a bad acid trip I had in '89. They are creepy and weird and make no sense. The bands they have on all act like they're on drugs and the songs are always trippy and psychedelic.

Calliou is a whinny twat that needs to be punched in the face. Seriously. He is always complaining and pouting. I cannot understand why his parents don't tell him to just shut the fuck up.

Olivia is a self centered bossy mean girl. She is selfish; never wanting to share or play with her brother and she is always trying to show off in class and be better than everyone else. I see no value whatsoever in this show.

Ruby and Max- Ruby is a self indulgent drama queen and they are always unsupervised. Also she is stupid because she never realizes it is Max taking her toy, doll, tiara, jewelry, candy, basket. Really? Get a clue.

Dora is sort of cute, but you can't overlook her incestuous feelings towards her cousin Diego and I won't even get into Diego's inappropriate crush on his own older sister Alicia. What happens in the jungle should stay in the jungle.

The Upside Down Show/Wiggles- More weirdos that fit the exact description of people we teach our kids to stay away from. I have no evidence, only a strong suspicion they are all tripping balls on 'shrooms during filming.

Let's look at some shows geared towards older kids:

The Fred Show- What in God's name is wrong with that kids voice? Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to have a show where the main character's voice sounds like a dying llama screeching while scratching its hooves down the chalkboard for an hour? And why does no one in the show seem affected or bothered and concerned by it? I would be freaking the fuck out.

Pretty Little Liars- OK, it is probably meant for mature teen to adult audiences, but being on ABC Family I would (wrongly) assume a family channel wouldn't air shows with slutty teen miscreants running around calling each other bitches.

Don't believe me? Here are a few quotes from the show:

Spencer: Just be careful and wear sensible shoes.
Hanna: I wear three inches or nothing.    
(Phallic and overtly sexual)

Paige: I'm not drunk. I'm hungry and your cupcakes taste like old pennies.
(under age drinking and rude)

A: Buckle up, Bitches. Nothing is as it seems.
(swearing- where the fuck is Disney?)

Spencer: He stuck his hands in her panty drawer.

So when my oldest was watching the last one and I told her to turn it off because it was inappropriate, I was met with "Are you kidding me, I already watched two seasons of WEEDS with you!" Insert eye roll.


In hindsight, maybe Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers were off their rockers and strange, but it was also the 70's so it was normal then. And I thought we've made progress and done away with all the old stuff from that era like high-waisted jeans and prairie skirts. 

What's that? They're back in? Crap.

At any rate, kids shows just aren't what they used to be. They're full of tantrums, whining and inappropriate foul language and if anyone is going to teach my kids how to throw a hissy fit and drop the F-Bomb, it's going to be me, damn it!

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