Friday, July 27, 2012

Blogos-Fear


I'm relatively new to the blogosphere, but already some of the other ones are annoying the shit out of me. 

I have only been reading certain ones on an ongoing basis for about two months. Before that I would read one every now and then if it was shared on facebook or when I stumbled upon a piece doing a Google search and probably didn't know it was even a blog.

There are a few small to widely popular blogs I read regularly- some I follow here and others I do not. Apparently, there are certain subjects and phrases that are getting under my skin. 

And while I don't claim to be the most prolific writer, surely they are talented enough to find suitable alternatives to their pithy overused comments and sad sack material.

Several I have read recently repeatedly use the following sayings or topics.

"Yet, I digress." Or simply "I digress."

digress [daɪˈgrɛs]
vb (intr)
1. to depart from the main subject in speech or writing
2. to wander from one's path or main direction

I have never seen this statement used more in any other writing form than on blogs. And if it is frequently appearing on the 7 or 8 blogs I read regularly, I shudder to think that they may appear on many more and we have an epidemic on our hands.

Most readers are savvy enough to understand that you temporarily got off the main topic and eventually got back to the story. I'm guessing even stupid people can follow along when a piece resembles: "I was doing this and this happened which reminds me of a time when this happened, but now I want to go back and talk about the first thing that happened."

Throwing, "yet, I digress" in there is just overstating the obvious and coming off as pretentious.

......OK sorry about that. I had to step away for a minute. What? You didn't notice I was gone? Yes, I stepped away because I had to drop a deuce. What? You don't like bathroom humor? I didn't mean to offend your delicate sensibilities. I enjoy bathroom humor because I have the maturity of a 15 year old boy. Yet, I digress...(no shit)

Another term I've spotted often is "anyhoo." It's not even a real word so the only definition available is in the Urban Dictionary. But I think it's quite fitting:

anyhoo
1. Used by many people, usually the vocabulary impaired, as a means of saying 'anywho or anyhow.'

2. A corrupt form of, or variation in, the pronunciation of anyhow. Thus having nearly the same meaning as anyway. Used to return to the main point in conversation, or to move the thread on from a previous topic.

3. A really irritating, cheesy way of saying anyhow.

As in "I think I am so cool by changing the word anyhow to anyhoo, but I am not. I sound stupid, but anyhoo, I have work to do."

I'm all for making shit up. Fo shizzle, wurd, craptastic: fun words to emphasize a story and to add spice are the shiz nit.

But anyhoo just sounds lame and I picture a plump jovial woman from Minnesota using it to segue from  a gab fest with the neighbors about the upcoming county fair apple pie contest and saying "Anyhoo I need to get back to pruning my roses."

A popular topic among lady bloggers:

Weight Loss.

Oh poor me. I had a kid. I'm 5-20 lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight. My personal trainer is kicking my ass. My Lululemon yoga pants are too tight. I am so bad I ate a bite of pizza/donut/burrito/cake. They went straight to my thighs. I'm going to have to take ten extra Zumba classes to work them off.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

We all have our own personal goals, insecurities and body image issues. But it's crap like this that fuels society to perpetuate the unattainable as the norm and capitalize on our vulnerabilities. Either you're fishing for a compliment with this or your body image is fantastically fucked. Either way, get over it and enjoy life or tell someone who cares.

Entertain me god damn it.

The moral is- get a thesaurus, mix it up, use extraordinary made up words and knock off the woe-is me material.

I could go on I suppose. But why scarf down the whole pie now when we can daintily nibble on many delectable slices of smack talk for months to come.

Plus my Moscato is getting warm. And I won't have that shit.   







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