Why write my own resolutions for New Years that I'm just
going to give up on in a New York minute?
Instead, it would be more advantageous of me to write a
list of resolutions expected of others. Because if they take action and execute
these resolutions, my life would be better and happier! So why waste time
making my own when this way I get the same great results of New Year's
resolutions without actually having to do any of the work? Genius, right?
So, without further adieu:
10. Drive friendly. Use your signal. Let people over when
they want and don't speed up. Get off the ass of the car in front of you. Drive
the speed limit. Stop texting and weaving.
9. Please move your shopping cart to the side of the
aisle and don't leave it in the middle so others can't get around. I thought we
discussed
this.
8. Learn some correct grammar. No one will take your
vents and rants seriously when you spew incorrect, misused and improperly
spelled words all over social media. Your, you're, their, they're, there etc. Yes, typos and auto correct happen. But not every time you post. Just as important, if you're going to correct
other people's grammar, make sure you correct their grammar not grammer.
7. Please, for the love of God, get a debit card. Why are
you still writing checks in public? They are free, easy to use and super fast.
This will lessen your chance of me stabbing you in the face in a checkout line
as you rummage through your purse for a pen and driver's license then balance
your checkbook.
6. Stop using your religion as a shield to allow you to
judge others, be a hypocrite, and say what you want simply because you have
faith and can ask for forgiveness. Because you can be forgiven doesn't give you
carte blanche to judge others and be mean and cruel. Practice what you preach and
lead by example. It's pretty hypocritical of me to judge others here and say
mean things while telling others not to do it, right? No. The difference here is this
is satire not directed at any one person specifically and I wouldn't say something horrible to someone just to be mean and
hurt them and turn around and say 'it's ok because I'm a Christian and all will
be forgiven.'
5. Because you can, doesn't mean you should. This goes
for so many things. Diarrhea mouth on social media, over sharing on social
media, wearing pajamas to Walmart, wearing see through tops with only a bra
under, demonstrating your pole dancing maneuvers at office parties. Always
ask yourself "I know I can, but SHOULD I?"
4. Stop smoking. This is purely selfish. I have never
smoked. I try not to judge others that do, but I can't help it. It's fucking
gross. Even if you don't do it around others, we can still smell it on you and
it's stinky. You stink. You reek. You do. I hate walking through clouds of this
stench just to get into stores. I hate seeing the littered butts on the ground.
Oh, they're biodegradable you say? So are tampons and we don't throw those out of our car windows or on your front lawn. You know the health
ramifications so I won't lecture. And it's your right, so there is not much I can do. But if
you still can't stop, please have the courtesy not to expose others in public
and, for fuck's sake, do not smoke in cars with kids. It takes a special kind of
selfish and stupid to do that.
3. Don't gift things you wouldn't want to receive. I know
this is a limited subject relegated to holidays and birthdays, etc. and not a
major life changing resolution. And it's kind of rude of me to dictate what others
should give. But enough is enough. If you don't want to step on ten billion
sharp Lego bits or Polly pocket parts and spend hours picking them up, don't
give them. If you don't want to be awakened from a dead sleep by a shrill shrieking
siren of a toy that the cat accidentally stepped on or shot in the face with a
foam missile by a sugar fiending toddler screaming 'put em up' over and over,
don't give them. Most importantly, with all due respect grandma, my kids don't
need one more motherfucking stuffed animal. Half of the 280 billion stuffed
animals we own are still in plastic trash bags from operation 'Lice Scare
2006' and the other half are strewn on the floor waiting for their turn to
be puked on by the cat.
2. Stop asking for help, advice and opinions if you're
not going to take it. I already told you I liked the black top and not the
orange one, so why are you wearing it? And stop whining about all of your
financial woes, then constantly spend money on crap you don't need. And I already told you that guy was a scumbag so why are you
sexting him? Jeez. If you're going to do what you want anyway, why do you ask for advice?
1. Quit constantly adding pictures of yourself to
Facebook and changing profile pictures. Sure, we all like to look good. But
constantly uploading pictures of yourself, alone or with half cropped others,
makes you look vain, shallow, desperate for attention, insecure, and like you're fishing for
compliments. You know who you are. Here's a tip- if people and
close friends aren't liking or commenting on pictures of yourself that you
upload, you may be doing it too much and are guilty of this. Or if the wrong
types of people are liking and commenting, ie douche bags and possible serial
killer rapists, you might be guilty and have a problem. Ask yourself "Why
do I want to upload this picture? Do I want attention? Would I want my child to
do this and have perverts liking it and commenting?"
There you have it. Aren't these resolutions great? I'm sure people besides
me will benefit from these resolutions being implemented. So, general public at large, please comply with these resolutions post haste. It would mean a lot to me.
And after all, they are totally better than my own list of
resolutions that I quit writing after
drink more wine. That would be about
all I could add to my already hectic schedule of
champagne drinking and bon bon
eating so this way is much better. Do it.
