Monday, June 25, 2012

Rude People

I'm sure you're familiar with them. The jerk who cuts you off in the parking lot. The kid who tears ass through the mall and knocks your toddler down. Fuckers. They are everywhere.

On the road, at the grocery store, in the mall, at entertainment venues. You cannot avoid them.

Manners seem to have gone by the wayside in the last few decades. (says the lady who tells her husband to fuck-off regularly and often eats with elbows on the table.) This is not a new issue and it has been written about countless times.

For your reading enjoyment I have compiled a list of anti-rudeness rules to follow based on situations I have personally experienced. Think of it as The Snarky Bitch's Guide to Modern Day Etiquette.

1. If someone goes to the trouble of holding the door for you, especially if they themselves are holding a small rug rat, say THANK YOU. (You're welcome, asshat!) Also, perhaps hold the door a few seconds longer for the person with their hands full following you into the store. (Thank you, douchebag!)

2. While at the grocery store, do not park your shopping cart in the middle of the aisle while you browse the shelves so no one can pass you. (move it to the side of the aisle; you know, like you do when you pull your car to the side of the road while stopped to look at something, dummy.)

3.  If you must grocery shop with a gaggle of minions, make sure they stay out of the way of other shoppers and do not push the cart into people. Kids like to play chicken with vehicle related objects. I do not like to play chicken. They will lose.

4. When parking your vehicle, pull within the lines and not halfway into the adjacent spot so the other car that is already there, and perfectly parked, cannot open their door to strap their kid in the car seat or even get in their car at all. (I actually left a nasty note on some chick's beemer convertible for doing this after I 'accidentally' opened my door too abruptly and pushed my ass against it while strapping in a minion...ooops!)

5. If I kindly stop my car so you can cross the street from the parking lot to the store, hurry the fuck up. Walk straight across, not in a weavy or zig-zag pattern. This is not the NFL. You are not being chased. Do not walk with a gangsta limp or pimp swagger. Do not casually text and not even bother to look up and acknowledge my kindness with a friendly half-wave. I will run yo ass down mutha fucka.

6. At the mall, where the dregs of society gather: (I am aware I go there too)  Don't meander aimlessly with your head up your ass. Yes, there are pretty lights and shiny things to distract you. But you are not alone. Stop walking out of stores without looking and run into me with your stroller. Hey buddy, ever hear of looking both ways? It is terrifying to think these people drove vehicles to the mall. Don't stop dead in your tracks. If you can use the steps, use them. Do not take up or block the entire ramp which is the only choice for strollers or wheelchairs or hover-rounds. Simply, I view the mall or any other moving activity as I do driving. People should follow the same basic principles; look both ways, don't slam on your brakes in the middle of the roadway and come to a dead stop, stay on the correct side of the road, do not drive into oncoming traffic, yield when exiting and entering main highway. Get back to basics people!

7. At the community or gym pool, please teach your demon spawn to not jump in the pool nearby others and drench them. Yes, I know it is a pool and I should expect to get wet. (that's what she said) But who enjoys being repeatedly splashed in the face when it is a huge pool and I am purposely tucked away in the corner furthest from the action to enjoy some me time. Plus, I don't want my highlighted smoothed hair to get wet and I forgot my rhinestone encrusted cross hat.

8. When checking out at the grocery store, do not wait until the clerk has scanned and bagged  ALL of your groceries to THEN load them in the cart and THEN take out your CHECKBOOK and THEN ask the clerk the store name and date and THEN write the check and THEN balance your check book and THEN search your purse for 5 minutes looking for your ID. Get with the program people! You know the drill. If you MUST pay by check, at least have it started while they are scanning and load your items in the cart as they are bagged. I'm not even going to give you shit about not having a debit card, but really-- could you please move it along just a little faster if you insist on doing things old school? Just some minor planning ahead, okay? Great, thanks. Meanwhile, devil baby and Fifi have had enough of this place and whining has commenced about being hungry and they are repeatedly yelling 'I want to go bye bye, I want to go bye bye, I want to go bye bye!' Kill me now. True story.

9. In a public restroom, when there are fifteen stalls available, do not take the ONLY large or handicapped stall so the mom with a stroller and another kid has to pick one of these scenarios: A. Squeeze in a small one with all the kids and gear. B. Take a screaming baby out of the stroller, hold it precariously in the air while hovering over the toilet and peeing, wiping be damned. Or C. Leave one of the minions outside the stall. (how do you choose which one to leave behind?) Yes, I know they are not reserved solely for moms with strollers or handicapped people and it is a free country and people can use whichever available one they want. But it's just common courtesy, god damn it.

10. Do not text while driving. Do I need to say more?

You might be asking, who died and made me the queen of etiquette? I have a potty mouth and am a less than perfect parenting role model. No one died, except Emily Post, and I don't claim to be the queen of anything. I just thought someone should point these things out since we have become such a self-absorbed society with no glimmer of hope in sight.

But it begs the question- if even a degenerate like me can get this why can't everyone else?

1 comment:

  1. Number five is my biggest pet peeve. I couldn't have said it better myself!!! Same goes for me letting you over in traffic. It's a small miracle if that happens and Goddammit, I expect at least a little wave of thanks!!