Tuesday, August 27, 2013

To Devil Baby on Her 4th Birthday

On two separate occasions today, Devil Baby has thrown herself to the ground and wailed "you woo-end my life!" This after I took it to Chuck E Cheese for two hours today to celebrate her birthday afternoon. #ungratefulbeotch

This could be due to over tiredness or the all-sugar meal program she has been following strictly today- ice pops, cotton candy, cake- aka. "all three food groups." OR it could simply be because she is generally an evil spawn and is practicing her defense for court after she eats my face. I can hear it now: "But judge, my mom woo-end my life and all that sugar gave me dia-weeah, so I had to eat her face!" Case dismissed. 

Well played, Devil Baby, well played.

Here's a quick note to her so when she's grown and I'm gone, she can look back at these little nuggets and feel some joy in her cold, methodical heart:

Dear Devil Baby,

You are four now and totally awesome! Never lose your spunk and fearlessness. I could do without you running around the house singing your mash up version of "All the Single Ladies~Last Frwiday Night~I Don't Care" then running up to me with a ball up your shirt saying you have a baby in your tummy. What the fuck Devil Baby? 

Additionally, I'm glad you have decided all the boys in your pre-school are going to marry you. But you should probably give them a chance to get out of pull-ups before committing yourself to them, because some of them never stop needing pull-ups. 

I love your signing voice and your appreciation for animals, except when you want to kill them and eat them for dinner. Also, you freak me out a bit with all these "freaking ghosts" you keep mentioning are around the house. Tell them to leave us alone or make your head spin or something so they'll vacate the premises. 

Please be nice to your sister. You constantly beating her ass is not helping her self esteem and one day she may unleash the fury and lay you out. Then you'll have to eat her face and you need to save that get out of jail free card for when you do that to me.   

I love you. Continue to live, laugh, love, sing, dance, freak people the fuck out and swear to your heart's content. Never trust someone who doesn't swear or occasionally drink. You are already proficient at both. #proudmama Oh, and stop feeding your baby brother vodka. It's not medicine. 

Relax "baby brother" is an imaginary friend/doll/ghost.
Slow your CPS calling roll. It was empty. It's a joke, man.

No comments:

Post a Comment