Friday, June 22, 2012

Poor Bastard

Since yesterday's post touched on a ridiculous comment by my husband, I think I shall dedicate this post to a few entertaining stories made possible by him....

Let's start with what we should call him. 'Husband' sounds robotic and a bit Stepford Wives and 'Hubs' is cliché. My girlfriends and I call him Dbag in private- since his name begins with D- and other close friends call him Wiener. I should preface this by saying that the reason his nicknames are hilarious amongst our circle of friends is that they are ironic- he is neither a douche bag or a dick. In fact, he is one of the smartest and most business savvy people I know. Just don't tell him I said that.

He is also a great father and husband...blah blah blah. But he does say completely idiotic things from time to time and I can't help make fun of him. He was raised mostly in Asia and Europe so popular cultural references are lost on him. When he tries to 'get hip' and use the current lingo or slang he ends up getting it wrong or sounding lame. Then hilarity ensues.     

So here we shall call him Wiener. Simple and easy to remember.

Last time I mentioned he once stated "I need to get a pager so my pimps can reach me." This is classic Wiener. Always fucking up a punch line or movie quote. Don't get me wrong- I'm not perfect or always with the quickness in getting a joke or movie line. In fact, I have a friend who is the movie line reference equivalent of Mark McGrath on Rock and Roll Jeopardy. Know not of what I speak? Check it out. Anyway, she's a badass who always leaves me feeling like a dumb-ass.

Now back to the story- so here's Wiener trying to pull off a variant of Eddie Murphy's "Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted, and I can't get in contact with my bitches?" from Trading Places. And instead he says he needs to get a pager so his pimps can reach him. This was said mid 90's (or the nineteen's as my daughter calls them) when we did not have cell phones growing out of our ears like today and pagers were the norm. Where do I start?

A. Don't YOU want to be the pimp and have the women at YOUR beck and call?

B.  Shouldn't THEY have the pager so YOU can reach THEM?

C. Why do you have PIMPS?!! I mean if you're going to be man-whore, fine. But why multiple pimps and not just one? Are you that good and are in high demand or do you keep getting fired because you suck or don't suck whatever the case may be?

WOW. Just wow.

Speaking of sucking, let's move on to the next little nugget. Flash forward to the next century, or the twenties, if we're going with the minion's timeline. Now, everyone has cell phones and we have all upgraded to the ultimate production killer and time waster in history- the iPhone.  

Wiener is coming around and sending the occasional text while I am in heaven texting to my heart's content without having to hit the digits numerous times on the old Razr. I think my monthly text average is in the thousands while his are in the tens. A friend texts him and asks if he's coming to an event and Wiener says that he is not. The friend texts back "You suck!" and Wiener replies "I wish!" 

Really? How can anyone get that wrong?

First of all, everyone is stupid...

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