Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sappy Drivel

Unless you're stupid, you should know that anything you post on Facebook is fair game for being made fun of. 

Two friends- Raquel and Lola- and I group text on a regular basis, mostly making fun of the fucktards who post unbelievably lame and boring shit on Facebook.

Yes, we have the maturity of 14 year-olds and I'm sure there are more important things we can be doing. Like 'logging off Facebook, putting down the phones and being more present with our children.'

But we don't wanna. That does not sound like fun at all.

One of our favorite type of posts to make fun of is when parents post cheesy schmoozy crap about their kid.


"I am so proud of Timmy. He got all A's and B's on his report card, made the soccer team and is on a 4th grade reading level. Mom and dad and sister love you, Timmy!"

Timmy's never going to read that shit. He's in the third grade and right now he's on the playground flinging boogers at his friends.

Or some cutesy banter:

Mom- Timmy, it's time for bed.

Timmy- I don't want to go to bed mom. I'm reading Harry Potter and I'm almost done.

Mom- Sweetie, you can finish it in the morning. That way you'll have something to do before oboe practice.

Timmy- Ok mom. That's a great idea. Hey mom, you know what I wanna do when I grow up?

Mom- What's that honey?

Timmy- I want to go to Hogwarts!

Mom- Aw, Timmy! *smiles + he melts my heart*

Stop fronting for your friends and family. We get it. You love your kid-- great!  He says cute stuff. All kids do. Tell him to his face and stop mucking up our feed with that drivel.

I'm sure there is a good lover's spat unfolding as we speak and I don't want to miss it.

Why not post what really goes on around your house. Here's what happens in mine:

Me- Fifi, go brush your teeth and use the waterpick to get the crap out of your braces.

Fifi- *whines* But I don't want to!!

Me- Do it right now or I'll rip that shit out of your mouth and you can have crooked teeth until you're 18 and can pay for it yourself!

Fifi- FINE!

Maybe that's harsh, but it sure as hell beats reading about Timmy stacking blocks or learning to drink from a sippy cup.

I said good day. 

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