How Kids Ruin Your Day

No one really tells you kids ruin your life. They may tell you how much things will change and how hard it will be. But we know those sentiments are mostly ignored.

Someone needs to start an in your face boot camp for doe-eyed expecant parents and slap some sense into them so they really know what it will be like.

I had lunch today with some of my wine o'clock moms and we were discussing how one of their siblings was handling being a new parent. CeeCee explained that the first time parents hadn't been alone with the new baby until he was at least five weeks old. They had grandmas and relatives from both sides staying with them for weeks on end and even persuaded one grandma to come back from out of state for several more weeks. Now this was as normal of a delivery as there can be- no major medical issues, etc. The new parents were just completely overwhelmed with their new little bundle, expecting him to arrive potty trained and sleeping through the night. Bahahahaaahaa!

Point is, no matter how ready you think you are, how much advice you receive or reading you do will prepare you for the harsh reality that smacks you in the face once the demon spawn spring from your loins. And it's not just the initial hell of post childbirth that is stitches and ice packs and goo oozing from everywhere, it's how your life is irreversibly changed for all of eternity.    

In other words, it's not just a few sleepless nights and babyproofing. Some things to consider before having kids:

You will no longer be able to have sushi and vodka lunches at your whim.

You will not sleep for at least 20 years, if even then.

Your home will NEVER be clean. And if it is, stop taking your kid's ADHD meds.

They piss and shit everywhere.

They do not pick up after themselves.

You will become a referee for deathboxing matches.

They don't fucking listen.

You will never have a shred of privacy again.

You will become suddenly embarrassed of your body as they will say things like 'you have a hairy butt' or 'you have poo poo' when referring to your private bits.

Now before you send me hate mail calling me a cold heartless bitch, please know that I love my evil minions with all my heart. But that doesn't change the fact that they can be fucking annoying and are the primary reason I'm developing a drinking problem. Wine softens the blow.

I used to have a life.
Then  I had kids.

Poop Rage

So I must have eaten five times my weight in turkey with trimmings this Thanksgiving because I can't seem to get out of the bathroom. Gross, huh! Not that I have an upset stomach, it's the regular type of number two, just a lot of it. TMI?

Lest you think I'm only good for complaining about political hi-jinks, I felt it necessary to share some non political fodder.  

When not raging, I strive to find humor in everyday life. Kids are especially good at saying ridiculous things that are easy to make fun of. Just be sure to do it behind their backs (or on an anonymous public blog for all the world to see) to save them from embarrassment.

Here are some recent musings:

While out with Fifi, we passed a big dude on a Harley whose bike was adorned with metal rivets. It was very bad ass. Fifi said "omgosh his motorcycle is bedazzled." Thank God the windows were up.

The other day I was driving with Devil Baby when she asked me something that I swear was "let's go to the liquor store."  Turns out she wanted me to sing twinkle twinkle little star.  I was quite disappointed. 

Fifi announced the other day that a girl should always be cuter than their husband or boyfriend so he'll never leave HER. She also said "a boyfriend that has a sense of humor and can make you laugh- now that's the killer." And that she hates "clingy boys." Jeez. Where does she get these things? I feel sorry for the poor bastard that marries her already.

Devil Baby is very into poop and butt humor these days. She likes to call people "poo poo booty face." She also likes to threaten to "I fawt on you!" Totally hilarious. I don't know where she gets her potty mouth.

Poor kid. Must have gone potty after I was in there-
hence the noxious fumes.

Also my dear, sweet, aging cat decide to take a ginormous dump on one of our formal dining chairs the day before Thanksgiving. I was worried she might be getting sick or have a terminal illness as this has never happened before. But since it was a one time thing, I decided she must be jealous of all the time I have been spending in the bathroom. Either that or she was staking her claim to her place at the dinner table, because no one wants to sit in that chair now no matter how many times it has been scrubbed with harsh abrasive chemicals.

Well played evil cat, well played.

Yep, Everyone's Still Stupid

Well the big Presidential election is over, so it is somewhat safe to venture back onto social media. Or so I thought. 

The first few days following the election, everyone was busy complaining about people on welfare and the throngs of moochers living on the government's dime. I wonder if they realize trying to get as many questionable tax breaks as they can or claiming a personal receipt at a restaurant was a "business dinner, hardy har har" is basically the same thing as what some welfare recipients do- they're both taking advantage of the system for their benefit and financial gain. But since they have jobs I guess their self entitlement super cedes anyone else's need for basic food and shelter.

And now residents of my home state, among others, are leading the charge and asking for secession from the United States since they do not like or agree with election results or some of the programs and laws the government has put into place. I guess they don't realize how much we rely on the US government for funding and support and we will in essence become the very same scourge of society and aliens they complain about.

True post on my Facebook feed.
Maybe they learned English at a college or something and not the
 middle school she maybe dropped out of after being knocked up.
At least she's honest enough to call herself by what she is.

With that I shall once again withdraw into a post election buffer zone waiting for the self righteous and entitled to cool their jets. I only hope when Texas becomes its own nation I can still get my hands on some fine Russian vodka without paying exorbitant taxes, because I would not be down with throwing my Cape Cod into the Gulf of Mexico and calling it the Mexico Vodka Party. That would just be a waste.

 

Rage Against the Man-chine

This post brought to you by estrogen dominance:

It seems likes I'm super cranky these days. I don't know if it's because I'm staring down menopause or just because I'm grumpy. I feel like a cranky old man all the time who wants to yell "you kids get off my lawn!" But there aren't any kids on my lawn, so that would be weird.

What has been really annoying lately has been all the politics. The Presidential election is around the corner, among other elections, and everyone is driving me nuts! The political ads, the Facebook posts, the news stories obviously leaning one way or the other. I can't take it. I would ignore it if that were possible; it's everywhere. I want to escape to a private island, which I'm sure a lot of you do too.

Of course I think it's important for everyone to vote regardless of their political affiliations. Your choices may differ from mine and that's fine. I don't think any one politician can fit the bill to meet everyone's needs so I assume everyone votes on what issues are important to them at that time and which candidates supports the issues that matter most to them.

What I cannot stand is when people vote for or against a candidate for reasons such as what religion he/she is or isn't or what his/her race is or isn't or what sex he/she is or isn't. All politicians are a slick bunch and there is no perfect choice or 100% right or wrong answer. It usually comes down to the lesser of two evils.

But this election season seems to be fraught with more sleazy assholes than usual. There have been way too many sound bites with politicians saying flat out horrible things. For instance the Missouri Senator who said,  “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."  Um, not sure that's how it works, buddy. And super recently another politician said, "I believe that life begins at conception. The only exception I have to have an abortion is in that case of the life of the mother. I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize that life is a gift from God and I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen.”  

Really? So when grown-ass men rape, sodomize and impregnate their 10 year old daughters, nieces, or mentally challenged relatives, it is part of God's plan and it was meant to be? And those victims should bear those children and either keep them or give them up for adoption no matter what? Even if the rapist can then come back in a few years and claim parental rights and get visitation and even partial custody? That would be awesome!

And women should have babies no matter if they have the means or finances to properly care for and feed these children? But, you don't want them to utilize government services like welfare or food stamps. That makes perfect sense! Yes, adoption is the other obvious choice-- as if there aren't already thousands of children abandoned and abused and in adoption centers and orphanages and there are no hungry children in America. 

But wait, there's more- the same politicians screaming for an end to abortion are also the same men criticizing single moms, saying that a child should be raised by a mother and a father who are married. But, if you're married and want to plan your family responsibly, don't even think about going to Planned Parenthood or getting affordable birth control options through your insurance. No way, no sir, no how.

Maybe you agree with that and maybe you don't. Everything is open for interpretation, I suppose. Of course these douchebags always try to back pedal and say that's not what they meant after public outrage for their callus and nasty remarks. Well, what do you mean? If you can't say what you mean maybe you shouldn't be running for office. If you have diarrhea of the mouth perhaps you should stick a maxi-pad in there to stop the flow.

What's important to remember is that our country was not technically founded on following certain religious beliefs, it was founded on freedom of religion. And everyone doesn't have the same religion or systems of beliefs. So if your religious beliefs frown on abortion or same sex marriage or other things the general population participates in, then don't do it yourself. Freedom of religion does not mean you can impose your religious belief system upon me. 

I don't remember things being this bad in politics over the last several years. Maybe I'm listening more now as I get older, but it seems like more and more of these politicians are trying to dictate things that directly impact women: The right to choose an abortion. Making it more difficult for a woman to claim rape. Downplaying the trauma of rape and sexual assault. Opposing bills for equal pay for women in same position as men. Planned Parenthood. Lesbian rights.

And really- Planned Parenthood? Come on. Fine, yes, they perform abortions, but they also provide much needed affordable medical care for women like mammograms, pap smears and birth control options. These politicians don't want women getting abortions, but they also don't want them having access to preventative care or birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Inconceivable. Or in this case, they want everyone to be conceivable, pregnant- like. 

It's time for women to wake up, smell the vagisil and take action! Stop allowing these ass clowns to be put into political office. Yes, there are many, many, many, issues and factors in politics; it's not all about women's rights and issues, I know. But the deficit will never be paid off, so being more concerned with that than having control over your very own vagina is asinine.

Soon we'll be back to the days of women being barefoot and pregnant, stuck in the kitchen, not allowed to vote and considered property of men. And if that's the case, I'm fucked because I don't know how to make a Sloe Gin Fizz. I'm pretty sure the women-folk are required to have one ready to hand the man of the house promptly at the 5pm cocktail hour. Wiener will have to settle for vodka straight up, unless I drink it all first. 

A perfectly depicted politician with top hat and asshole.

Don't Judge Me for Judging

I know, I know, I know. You're going be thinking, 'What about the old adage that says don't judge a book by its cover?' Believe me, I know! 

But I couldn't help myself today. I don't always make fun of people's appearances. Half the time I look like a cracked out person of Walmart, so I should know better than to judge others for how they look.

While picking up Fifi at the end of her after-school activity, I pulled in front of the school and parked while waiting. There was a man who, I assume, was a teacher or school employee out front waiting with some kids and helping them find their ride. 

I guess he pretty much was a normal man, except for the greasy slicked back hair and suspicious pencil mustache. He had a rotund pot belly and his clothes were worn and dumpy. And I'm sure I'm totally going to hell for this, but I couldn't help think 'why is that child molester being allowed to not only work with children, but be alone with them at after school activities?'

Jesus. H. Christ. He had a badge and everything, but that doesn't mean shit in this day and age. Just yesterday I heard on the news about a local school district where a teacher was arrested under allegations of inappropriately touching students at the elementary school where he worked. The same elementary school had another teacher who was convicted of molesting students about a year prior to this newer accusation and that teacher is serving 62 years in prison  Don't they do motherfucking background checks? Or do these sick predators wait until after the background checks to start attacking their prey?

Talk about some sick fucks. You can't even send your kids to school nowadays without worrying about these freakshows. No wonder I'm predisposed to assuming all odd looking little men are pedophiles.

So I'll do my best to try and not judge people by their appearances. Maybe a tall glass of red wine will ease my tension. But these assholes are out there- so stay vigilant, my friends...

The most interesting man would totally judge everyone
 because he is so much better than the rest of us. I love him.