Father's Day Conversation with Wiener

After a lovely home-cooked Father's Day breakfast of bacon, pancakes and eggs and the opening of cards and hand made gifts from the kids and I, we left for dip at the local community pool. 

Me: So how do you like my new bathing suit top? Does it look ok?

Wiener: Yes, it looks great. You're a beautiful woman.

Me: Aw, thank you. How sweet. And Happy Father's Day to you. You're welcome for the two beautiful children I gave you so you could enjoy this Father's Day.

Wiener: You mean the children I gave you?

Me: Um, no, the children I gave you. 

Wiener: No, you just pushed them out while you were on lots of awesome drugs. I gave them to you.

Me: What? No, I did all the work. You just laid there the whole time we had sex and then I carried them the entire nine months and gave birth to them.

Wiener: Whatever, I'm not even sure if DB is mine. She looks nothing like me.

Round and around and around and around we go...

Happy Father's Day Wiener. You really are a great dad. Even if your idea of helping clean up after dinner is moving the dirty dishes from the right side of the sink to the left and consolidating them. 

Wiener and all his FD goodies. Don't be jelly ladies.
Plus an awesome DB photo bomb. 
 

More Reasons Wiener is Gay

Perhaps I'm teasing too much with this subject and Wiener will murder me in my sleep one day, but I can't help myself. Some things are too good to keep to myself:

• He has a penchant for watching figure skating. And women's gymnastics.

• He's watching The Birdcage, right now. Unless you're reading this at a later date, then he's probably not watching right now. Or maybe he is.

• We were talking about Kevin Spacey being a good actor and he said "I know he's not as good looking as Brad Pitt, but he's a great actor." I said, "I don't think Brad Pitt is all that good looking." Wiener replied "Really? I think he is beautiful. Especially in Meet Joe Black." (I smirked at this and tried not to bust out laughing and Wiener said "that is going in the blog isn't it?" --> Correct)

• He made rice crispy treats with Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. When eating a piece he said "these are good, but it's better when they are rock hard." (TMI)

• He tuned to video on demand and said, "Oh look, Magic Mike is available now!" 

Is it the sexy moves...

Or the matching costumes?

Wiener Tried to Kill Devil Baby

In a strange twist of events, or possibly a strategic move to stop her before she becomes a serial killer, Wiener tried to kill Devil Baby today.

He took her to pick up Fifi after school because my car is in the shop and needs $2500 in repairs. I made him do the carpool schlepping so I could wallow in a glass of Moscato about the impending expenditure that puts my dream of an impromptu beach vacation further out of reach.

I thought they'd be gone for a bit and probably would make a stop at the store to pick up some candy, because he's the awesome dad and I'm the nasty-witch-mom-fun-police. Selfish bastard. Wiener stuffs them with candy and junk food and watches inappropriate movies, then I get to swoop in and shriek like a banshee about bath time and teeth brushing.

With that in mind, I thought I'd have at least 30-45 minutes to bask in solitude whilst boozing it up or perhaps watch a quick episode of Weeds in blissful silence.

Suddenly, my motley crew stormed in through the garage door with Wiener yelling "I think Devil Baby has heat stroke!"

What the fuck? They've literally been gone 15 minutes.

Wiener is the only father I know that can take a simple task with the kids and turn it into a life threatening debacle within minutes.

Exhibit A:

When out with a girlfriend and other friends to celebrate our birthdays, I get a text from Wiener that says "Devil Baby has diarrhea and I'm out of wipes! It's a shitstorm here! She just shit in the bathtub!" Welcome to my world.

Exhibit B:

I traveled to Europe in 2007 for a once in a lifetime opportunity to go to Wimbledon with my ancient grandfather, who is a former champion. Two days into the trip, I get frantic texts and calls that "Fifi has a temperature of 105! What should I do?" Jesus Christ! I thought a. Call the doctor, dumbass and 2. Fifi never gets sick. What has he done?!

Now before me is Devil Baby, who is beet red and super hot. Her heart is racing and I keep thinking what the hell- this never happens on my watch! Granted it's summer time in Texas and the temperature is 1 billion degrees. 

But, come on, they were gone 15 minutes for crying out loud! We were outside all day on Saturday swimming, cooking out and running around in the heat and this never happened. Wiener must have done something wrong.

So I gave Devil Baby a juice box and got a damp washcloth to help cool her down. Finally, the redness went away and she wasn't so hot anymore. She's feeling like her old self and will be wielding a meat cleaver in no time so she can go back to narrowing down her serial killer weapon of choice. 

In retrospect, I have come to the conclusion this is all a well orchestrated plot by Wiener to ensure he will never have to tend to the kids himself ever again.

Little does he know of my five year plan to kill him off and use the insurance money to buy a secluded island in the Caribbean, so his game of 'pawn the minions on the wife at all costs' is simply child's play in comparison.

Remember that line from the movie Adventures In Babysitting- "Do not fuck with the babysitter!" 

Do not fuck with her, indeed.

Here is the private island I plan to buy when I off Wiener.
(Disclaimer: I do not really plan to off Wiener- just a joke!)

Poor Bastard

Since yesterday's post touched on a ridiculous comment by my husband, I think I shall dedicate this post to a few entertaining stories made possible by him....

Let's start with what we should call him. 'Husband' sounds robotic and a bit Stepford Wives and 'Hubs' is cliché. My girlfriends and I call him Dbag in private- since his name begins with D- and other close friends call him Wiener. I should preface this by saying that the reason his nicknames are hilarious amongst our circle of friends is that they are ironic- he is neither a douche bag or a dick. In fact, he is one of the smartest and most business savvy people I know. Just don't tell him I said that.

He is also a great father and husband...blah blah blah. But he does say completely idiotic things from time to time and I can't help make fun of him. He was raised mostly in Asia and Europe so popular cultural references are lost on him. When he tries to 'get hip' and use the current lingo or slang he ends up getting it wrong or sounding lame. Then hilarity ensues.     

So here we shall call him Wiener. Simple and easy to remember.


Last time I mentioned he once stated "I need to get a pager so my pimps can reach me." This is classic Wiener. Always fucking up a punch line or movie quote. Don't get me wrong- I'm not perfect or always with the quickness in getting a joke or movie line. In fact, I have a friend who is the movie line reference equivalent of Mark McGrath on Rock and Roll Jeopardy. Know not of what I speak? Check it out. Anyway, she's a badass who always leaves me feeling like a dumb-ass.

Now back to the story- so here's Wiener trying to pull off a variant of Eddie Murphy's "Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted, and I can't get in contact with my bitches?" from Trading Places. And instead he says he needs to get a pager so his pimps can reach him. This was said mid 90's (or the nineteen's as my daughter calls them) when we did not have cell phones growing out of our ears like today and pagers were the norm. Where do I start?

A. Don't YOU want to be the pimp and have the women at YOUR beck and call?

B.  Shouldn't THEY have the pager so YOU can reach THEM?

C. Why do you have PIMPS?!! I mean if you're going to be man-whore, fine. But why multiple pimps and not just one? Are you that good and are in high demand or do you keep getting fired because you suck or don't suck whatever the case may be?

WOW. Just wow.

Speaking of sucking, let's move on to the next little nugget. Flash forward to the next century, or the twenties, if we're going with the minion's timeline. Now, everyone has cell phones and we have all upgraded to the ultimate production killer and time waster in history- the iPhone.  

Wiener is coming around and sending the occasional text while I am in heaven texting to my heart's content without having to hit the digits numerous times on the old Razr. I think my monthly text average is in the thousands while his are in the tens. A friend texts him and asks if he's coming to an event and Wiener says that he is not. The friend texts back "You suck!" and Wiener replies "I wish!" 

Really? How can anyone get that wrong?

First of all, everyone is stupid...