Happy Anniversary Wiener- Unless You're Gay, Then We Can't Be Married...

If you oppose same sex marriage, this
video may change your mind.

Wiener and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. Damn I feel old. It happened right around the time the Supreme Court was discussing same sex marriage. In light of that, I felt compelled to share my thoughts...

We have been married 17 years, been together for 20, and it is FUCKING HARD. During the course of our marriage there have been the good and bad times. We have been blissfully happy, wanted to murder each other and wanted to throw in the towel. But we made it this far.

We don't need a piece of paper to tell us we are married or to let others know we are committed and love each other.

But apparently you DO need a piece of paper to be treated equally in the eyes of the law. For example- regarding filing taxes jointly, covering one another on health insurance, addressing parental issues and even visiting a sick or dying partner in the hospital.

There are some that say marriage is between a man and a woman and God. To that I say- not anymore. And we made it that way. We as a nation have evolved to a place where marriage is more about different withholding rates, child income credits and astronomical health insurance premiums than the original intention of merging families for a dowry and procreating. If two people love each other and are dedicated to spending their lives together through the good, bad, ugly and fucking hard times, who are we to say no? No, you aren't good enough to reap these benefits. How dare we?

Why is it ok for men and women to marry and divorce and treat marriage like a disposable novelty, reaping benefits of marriage only to turn around and destroy each other in divorce with hate and child custody battles and evading child support? To be fair, many marriages are successful, but why are so many allowed to make mockery of it with divorce and spiteful antics while other dedicated, loving couples aren't given a chance simply because they share the same anatomy?

If your child wanted to try out for a team and was told no because she is a girl, you would scream sexism. Not equal. If you thought your ethnicity prevented you from accomplishing something, you would scream racism. Not equal.  If you were told you couldn't vote because you are a woman, marry because you are white and your fiance is black, sit in a diner with people of other races and ethnicities or sit where you please on a freaking bus, you would say---> N O T   E Q U A L!!!   How can we claim liberty and justice for all while intentionally excluding a group of citizens from being allowed to participate in and benefit from the laws of our nation?

Fortunately, history is on the side of people fighting in support of same sex marriage. It is the natural progression of things. It is the right thing to do. Allowing same sex couples to marry will not impact my marriage in any way. If anything, I feel a sense of shame that I am privy to rights that my fellow humans are not.

Word to your mother.

Still, some oppose it and mostly cite religious beliefs. And if that's how they feel and they think same sex marriage is wrong, or being gay altogether is wrong, that's their right to believe. But let's not forget this country was founded by people who wanted to practice religion as they wished- so why is it not ok to persecute them for their religious beliefs, but it is ok to persecute people for their feelings and deny them their inalienable human and civil rights? IT'S NOT OK. You can't have it both ways. Perhaps there needs to be biblical marriage for all those who view marriage as a religious union between man, woman and God and legal marriage for those who want government recognition and equality in tax filings and insurance coverage, etc. Those choosing a biblical marriage can keep their godly union, but pay the higher single tax rate and not reap any lawful benefits.

There is separation of church and state specifically so these types of issues don't arise. So religious rules and beliefs do not guide lawful and government decisions to negatively impact our citizens. And that's something traditional marriage proponents don't understand. They don't have a say in the matter. The constitution provides them with freedom of religion and to believe as they choose- it does not provide them with the right to define marriage to our lawmakers.

Making this point even more- churches do not pay any taxes. No federal or local taxes on their income. No property taxes on their churches or fellowship halls. All these mega-churches building huge, obnoxious buildings on vast amounts of land, filling them with state of the art electronics and technologies, paying celebrities and the like to speak and entice more followers into the church.... pay no taxes. Yes, pastors and church employees pay income tax on any salaries they receive, but as an organization, income received or properties owned are not taxable. So why then are church organizations allowed to lobby and dictate to our government what laws and rights its citizens are entitled to? Last time I checked, citizens paid income and property taxes to the government so shouldn't they be entitled to the same rights as the rest of the nation's residents?

And while we are on the subject of taxes- income tax was not implemented until 1913, so really before then one could argue marriage was primarily a religious union. But fast forward 100 years to 2013 and we now have more people marrying in civil ceremonies such as at the Justice of the Peace and by non-religious affiliated individuals certified by law to marry couples, with no mention of God or religion whatsoever. So with this information alone (people marrying in non religious-civil ceremonies) the argument can no longer be made that marriage is solely a godly union.

And I know it sounds like I'm raging on religion and churches. That's not my intention- my intention is to use satire and sarcasm to show how hypocritical and ridiculous the fact that two people who want to marry (and receive lawful recognition and benefits) cannot marry primarily because a large group says it is against their beliefs. God forbid the Atheists start trying to get rid of churches and religion stating it is against their beliefs.

So here's hoping the near future will bring true equality to all citizens and humanity. Because I'm all for equal rights and I love the idea of more people joining my personal hell also known as marriage. Suckers! 

Our Anniversary Cake. Run Wiener, run! 

Random Wiener

So this isn't a real post. I have many things I am working on but haven't found the time to fine tune them. And who can blame me with my wine drinking and avoiding laundry schedule? It's madness.

But I wanted to post something just for the hell of it so it doesn't look like I've abandoned the blog entirely. I promise to be back with some lengthier posts soon. 

That said, I am always entertained by Wiener (not that he's trying, I just contort everything he says and does into something amusing with my sick, twisted sense of humor) so I thought I would pick on him a bit more. If he doesn't like it, he needs to stop saying such overtly gay and entertaining things.

During the Superbowl there was an ad featuring super hot shirtless guys with ripped abs. Wiener said, "Dayum! - Calvin Klein ALWAYS gets the sexy guys." okayyyy???

Wiener's random thought: "I'd love to be a jewelry designer." Maybe not gay, but certainly not macho.

One chilly February day Wiener announced: "It's freezing in here. My balls just went up my ass." Wow.

And finally, here are some interesting texts from Wiener regarding our back to back ER visits in January. Me for my back and him for the flu. He just might be starting to catch on to this whole sense of humor thing. And of course I will be taking full credit.

Well played, Wiener. The student may
soon become the master. 

Way to rub it in. Let's see how fast
I share my pain meds next time your
kidney stones flare up.

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy busy with the holiday season and taking care of sick minions and spouse. We have been sick with more crap this year than ever before. Oh well.

We've had our ups and downs and run-ins with idiots and much rage, but overall 2012 has been a pretty good year. I can't wait to see what's in store for 2013, since we all survived the Mayan-Zombie-Apocalypse for now. 

And lest I bid adieu to 2012 without sharing any more juicy nuggets with you, I'll leave you with this holiday gem:

While making my traditional holiday candies this year, I was asking Wiener his thoughts on the salted dark chocolate nut clusters I make and whether I should make a whole batch like usual or if a half batch would suffice. So I said "What do you think- a whole batch or a half batch?" His response?

"I like my nuts straight up."

You're welcome. Happy New Year! 

Image Via

More Reasons Wiener is Gay

Perhaps I'm teasing too much with this subject and Wiener will murder me in my sleep one day, but I can't help myself. Some things are too good to keep to myself:

• He has a penchant for watching figure skating. And women's gymnastics.

• He's watching The Birdcage, right now. Unless you're reading this at a later date, then he's probably not watching right now. Or maybe he is.

• We were talking about Kevin Spacey being a good actor and he said "I know he's not as good looking as Brad Pitt, but he's a great actor." I said, "I don't think Brad Pitt is all that good looking." Wiener replied "Really? I think he is beautiful. Especially in Meet Joe Black." (I smirked at this and tried not to bust out laughing and Wiener said "that is going in the blog isn't it?" --> Correct)

• He made rice crispy treats with Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. When eating a piece he said "these are good, but it's better when they are rock hard." (TMI)

• He tuned to video on demand and said, "Oh look, Magic Mike is available now!" 

Is it the sexy moves...

Or the matching costumes?

Top 10 Reasons Wiener Might Be Gay

Firstly, I have no issue with being gay. I think people are people just trying to live life and they can love who they want to love and should all be treated with equality and respect.

I don't know why it has become commonplace to joke about a heterosexual person being gay and it is supposed to be funny. But sometimes it just is. Maybe it began as an outlet to insult homophobes and show them how stupid they are.

Sometimes I wonder if the gay and lesbian community disses each other by saying "Oh my God, Chuck did the straightest thing the other day- he left the toilet seat up AND hair in the sink! Or Pat is so straight, she wore heels and a bra to the office party!"

In any case, I write this piece with no insult intended to the gay and lesbian community. It is not an insult to be gay and, yes, I am seriously stereotyping here but it is all in good fun.

For years I have teased my husband that he might be gay. He is prone to some sensitive and artsy tendencies. He also has opinions on my wardrobe regarding what I should wear or not and what would work better. I guess this could make him more of a woman than gay, but I'm sticking with gay. Also, sometimes I secretly wish he was gay because "not tonight I have a headache" gets really old and it would be so much easier if he had a boyfriend with equal testosterone levels and would leave me the hell alone.

Here are some little gems Wiener has come up with through the years that seriously have me questioning his sexuality and/or gender:

1. While watching The Green Lantern he asked who the main female character was. I said it was Blake Lively. He asked what else she's been in and I mentioned she was in Gossip Girl and the traveling pants movie. He said "Like I've heard of the traveling pants movie." Then he said very excitedly "Oh, you mean The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!?  Yes, there's a part one AND two. Now I remember her."

2. While playing pool with married friends Raquel and Jake we decided to split up and Wiener said "Let's play couples, Jake you're with me!"

3. Recently he said  "I love the preview for Magic Mike when Matthew McConaughey is going over the rules in the strip club and says Now ladies, you can't touch, but it looks like there's some lawbreakers in here tonight!"

4. Driving through Colorado this summer he says out of the blue "I could eat trout for a week."

5. Also during the Colorado trip he randomly said, "I feel like Julia Roberts. I have something in my teeth that I can't get out." I guess it was in a movie of hers. I have no recollection of this. Sounds like he was covering up feeling like Julia Roberts and blurting that out.

6. His favorite movie is Some Kind of Wonderful or Pretty Woman depending on his mood any given day.

7. He once said he needed a pager so his pimps could reach him.

8. He loves Glee.

9. His favorite actress is Mary Stuart Masterson or Kathy Bates. (see mood) Also, if not gay, wouldn't it be like Megan Fox or Olivia Wilde or some smoking hot chick?

10. I have no more direct quotes, but I only know he has a very particular opinion about my clothes and shoes. It often starts with "You're wearing that?" Or "You're not wearing those shoes are you?" Who looks at shoes besides gay men and straight women?

So there you have it. Wiener might be gay or a female- you be the judge. I'll will keep you posted on any future gender bending tidbits.