Resolutions for Everyone and Stupid People

Why write my own resolutions for New Years that I'm just going to give up on in a New York minute?

Instead, it would be more advantageous of me to write a list of resolutions expected of others. Because if they take action and execute these resolutions, my life would be better and happier! So why waste time making my own when this way I get the same great results of New Year's resolutions without actually having to do any of the work? Genius, right?

So, without further adieu: 

10. Drive friendly. Use your signal. Let people over when they want and don't speed up. Get off the ass of the car in front of you. Drive the speed limit. Stop texting and weaving.

9. Please move your shopping cart to the side of the aisle and don't leave it in the middle so others can't get around. I thought we discussed this.

8. Learn some correct grammar. No one will take your vents and rants seriously when you spew incorrect, misused and improperly spelled words all over social media. Your, you're, their, they're, there etc. Yes, typos and auto correct happen. But not every time you post. Just as important, if you're going to correct other people's grammar, make sure you correct their grammar not grammer.

7. Please, for the love of God, get a debit card. Why are you still writing checks in public? They are free, easy to use and super fast. This will lessen your chance of me stabbing you in the face in a checkout line as you rummage through your purse for a pen and driver's license then balance your checkbook.

6. Stop using your religion as a shield to allow you to judge others, be a hypocrite, and say what you want simply because you have faith and can ask for forgiveness. Because you can be forgiven doesn't give you carte blanche to judge others and be mean and cruel. Practice what you preach and lead by example. It's pretty hypocritical of me to judge others here and say mean things while telling others not to do it, right? No. The difference here is this is satire not directed at any one person specifically and I wouldn't say something horrible to someone just to be mean and hurt them and turn around and say 'it's ok because I'm a Christian and all will be forgiven.'

5. Because you can, doesn't mean you should. This goes for so many things. Diarrhea mouth on social media, over sharing on social media, wearing pajamas to Walmart, wearing see through tops with only a bra under, demonstrating your pole dancing maneuvers at office parties. Always ask yourself  "I know I can, but SHOULD I?"

4. Stop smoking. This is purely selfish. I have never smoked. I try not to judge others that do, but I can't help it. It's fucking gross. Even if you don't do it around others, we can still smell it on you and it's stinky. You stink. You reek. You do. I hate walking through clouds of this stench just to get into stores. I hate seeing the littered butts on the ground. Oh, they're biodegradable you say? So are tampons and we don't throw those out of our car windows or on your front lawn. You know the health ramifications so I won't lecture. And it's your right, so there is not much I can do. But if you still can't stop, please have the courtesy not to expose others in public and, for fuck's sake, do not smoke in cars with kids. It takes a special kind of selfish and stupid to do that.

3. Don't gift things you wouldn't want to receive. I know this is a limited subject relegated to holidays and birthdays, etc. and not a major life changing resolution. And it's kind of rude of me to dictate what others should give. But enough is enough. If you don't want to step on ten billion sharp Lego bits or Polly pocket parts and spend hours picking them up, don't give them. If you don't want to be awakened from a dead sleep by a shrill shrieking siren of a toy that the cat accidentally stepped on or shot in the face with a foam missile by a sugar fiending toddler screaming 'put em up' over and over, don't give them. Most importantly, with all due respect grandma, my kids don't need one more motherfucking stuffed animal. Half of the 280 billion stuffed animals we own are still in plastic trash bags from operation 'Lice Scare 2006' and the other half are strewn on the floor waiting for their turn to be puked on by the cat. 

2. Stop asking for help, advice and opinions if you're not going to take it. I already told you I liked the black top and not the orange one, so why are you wearing it? And stop whining about all of your financial woes, then constantly spend money on crap you don't need. And I already told you that guy was a scumbag so why are you sexting him? Jeez. If you're going to do what you want anyway, why do you ask for advice?

1. Quit constantly adding pictures of yourself to Facebook and changing profile pictures. Sure, we all like to look good. But constantly uploading pictures of yourself, alone or with half cropped others, makes you look vain, shallow, desperate for attention, insecure, and like you're fishing for compliments. You know who you are. Here's a tip- if people and close friends aren't liking or commenting on pictures of yourself that you upload, you may be doing it too much and are guilty of this. Or if the wrong types of people are liking and commenting, ie douche bags and possible serial killer rapists, you might be guilty and have a problem. Ask yourself "Why do I want to upload this picture? Do I want attention? Would I want my child to do this and have perverts liking it and commenting?"

There you have it. Aren't these resolutions great? I'm sure people besides me will benefit from these resolutions being implemented. So, general public at large, please comply with these resolutions post haste. It would mean a lot to me.

And after all, they are totally better than my own list of resolutions that I quit writing after drink more wine. That would be about all I could add to my already hectic schedule of champagne drinking and bon bon eating so this way is much better. Do it. 

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy busy with the holiday season and taking care of sick minions and spouse. We have been sick with more crap this year than ever before. Oh well.

We've had our ups and downs and run-ins with idiots and much rage, but overall 2012 has been a pretty good year. I can't wait to see what's in store for 2013, since we all survived the Mayan-Zombie-Apocalypse for now. 

And lest I bid adieu to 2012 without sharing any more juicy nuggets with you, I'll leave you with this holiday gem:

While making my traditional holiday candies this year, I was asking Wiener his thoughts on the salted dark chocolate nut clusters I make and whether I should make a whole batch like usual or if a half batch would suffice. So I said "What do you think- a whole batch or a half batch?" His response?

"I like my nuts straight up."

You're welcome. Happy New Year! 

Image Via

Ahhh the Holidays......

Ahhh the holidays.

That special time of year where everyone debates the true meaning of Christmas and criticizes everyone else's choice of words as they attempt to spread holiday cheer.

As if when someone says "Happy Holidays" they obviously mean "fuck Jesus" and can't possibly be saying "hey, enjoy this time of year which includes Christmas and New Years and also other holidays like Hanukkah and Kwanza."

The Jesus is the Reason for the Season and Keep Christ in Christmas posts as well as the I say Merry Christmas and so should you or you're going to hell memes are as entertaining as ever. Funny thing is that, even though I'm not particularly religious, I have always mostly said Merry Christmas. Sometimes I do say happy holidays, not for fear of insulting someone, but I think this time of year is magical and not just about Christmas. We have Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years back to back and I kind of lump them all together in one greeting. Plus there's Yom Kippur, Hanukkah, Kwanza and Chinese New Year. I'm too lazy to call them each by name. As a matter of fact, if I were Santa, I would probably simply yell "yo, reindeer, let's go!"

Sadly, this year's proper holiday greeting argument was overshadowed by the tragedy in Connecticut. I won't even offer my two cents or chime in on the issue. It's simply a horrific tragedy that should never have happened and we are all forever scarred because of it.

But the holidays wouldn't be the holidays if people weren't arguing about something. You know what I'm talking about. If it's not the which in-laws to spend the holidays with debate, it's the how much to spend on the kids, or we're getting a Frazier fir this year because last year you got to pick the Noble and it's my turn. (The last one was mine and Wiener's annual argument for years. True story.) 

So this year's holiday-time hot button argument is gun control. I won't delve too much into this either as it gets me fired up, no pun intended, but I will say this: My 'conservative' friends are saying "it's my second amendment right to bear arms, you can't take that away" and "the answer is to put God back in schools." My 'liberal' friends are saying "let's talk about the issue and open a dialogue about mental health and gun safety and look into options to preventing further tragedies." 

I haven't seen any posts calling for a ban on guns. Not that people aren't saying that, I just haven't seen them. Frankly, I have no problem with people owning guns. I would just like to see some more safeguards like mandatory gun safety and training classes, required licensing and registration and required gun safes for all owners. But I would also like to pee without a toddler and pre-teen audience and I don't see anyone rushing to make that dream a reality either.

I have more holiday fodder to share with you but I will save it for another post. The natives are getting restless, and by natives I mean the evil minions, and by restless I mean they are arguing about fruit. And by fruit I do not mean vodka soaked melon balls which I so wish I had right now.

Fucking Christmas Cards

Every year people try to create the perfect Christmas card, displaying their angelic children or how wonderful their lives are. In recent years the trend of sending photo cards has gone to the extreme. To some it is a competition of who has the most artful pictures on the most luxurious paper. To others it's an opportunity to brag about their lives and children in one of those dreaded holiday letters. Gone are the days of simply picking up a cute pack of cards at the drug store and scribbling a quick note then mailing them.

I don't know why, but every year I think it will be so quick and easy to take a snapshot of the minions and slap it on a pre-made design then, voila! Pick them up at Walgreen's and go. That's much easier said than done.

This year's card fiasco began when I decided to throw dresses on the girls and run into the yard for a quick photo shoot. We spend a few minutes brushing hair and applying a few curls for an extra finishing touch. Fifi adds a dab of lip gloss for the perfectly polished pout, then we head outside.

I'm by no stretch of the imagination a photographer, but with my handy DSLR camera and some fancy dresses on the kids, the pictures are usually pretty good. Unless one is sick and every picture features a huge snot string dangling down her nose and the other is grumpy and uncooperative because she doesn't like sitting in the yard with the bugs.

Devil Baby won't look at the camera and Fifi is trying to do her version of the coy cocked-head model smile, which just makes her look like she's having some sort of seizure. When Devil Baby does look towards me for a split second, Fifi is distracted by an invisible flying bug. When Fifi finally flashes her normal gorgeous, glowing smile, Devil Baby throws her head into Fifi's lap and starts sucking her thumb. I get upset, yell profanities ('tis the season), the kids start pouting, I snap some pics of the pouty faces and threaten to put them on the cards, the kids start giggling and finally I capture the perfect giggly, smiley picture reserved for the best Norman Rockwell paintings. Except for the snot string. Damn it!

When I finally have one or two pictures worthy of center stage on my card I peruse the designs at Shutterfly. I create two or ten of my favorite layouts. Then I cannot decide which one I like best. Wiener, of course, does not like any of my selections- we have very different tastes. I flip flop on the designs and can't pick one. Maybe I'll order two or three different layouts. But how to decide who to send which one to? I delay some more and the coupon codes expire. Do I need to spend this much on stupid Christmas cards, I wonder? I throw together some designs on the Walgreen's site, but I love the look of the matte paper instead of the glossy.

Jeezus, you'd think my house would be immaculate as anal retentive as I'm being about fucking Christmas cards that people will glance at for two seconds and toss in the trash. Maybe I'll just scrap the whole concept of sending out Christmas cards. This way I'll have more cash to spend on what's really important this time of year. That's right, vodka. You know me so well...

Some features must be changed to protect the innocent.
 See, I wasn't lying about the snot string.
Now she looks like a bandit zombie with a snot string.

How Kids Ruin Your Day

No one really tells you kids ruin your life. They may tell you how much things will change and how hard it will be. But we know those sentiments are mostly ignored.

Someone needs to start an in your face boot camp for doe-eyed expecant parents and slap some sense into them so they really know what it will be like.

I had lunch today with some of my wine o'clock moms and we were discussing how one of their siblings was handling being a new parent. CeeCee explained that the first time parents hadn't been alone with the new baby until he was at least five weeks old. They had grandmas and relatives from both sides staying with them for weeks on end and even persuaded one grandma to come back from out of state for several more weeks. Now this was as normal of a delivery as there can be- no major medical issues, etc. The new parents were just completely overwhelmed with their new little bundle, expecting him to arrive potty trained and sleeping through the night. Bahahahaaahaa!

Point is, no matter how ready you think you are, how much advice you receive or reading you do will prepare you for the harsh reality that smacks you in the face once the demon spawn spring from your loins. And it's not just the initial hell of post childbirth that is stitches and ice packs and goo oozing from everywhere, it's how your life is irreversibly changed for all of eternity.    

In other words, it's not just a few sleepless nights and babyproofing. Some things to consider before having kids:

You will no longer be able to have sushi and vodka lunches at your whim.

You will not sleep for at least 20 years, if even then.

Your home will NEVER be clean. And if it is, stop taking your kid's ADHD meds.

They piss and shit everywhere.

They do not pick up after themselves.

You will become a referee for deathboxing matches.

They don't fucking listen.

You will never have a shred of privacy again.

You will become suddenly embarrassed of your body as they will say things like 'you have a hairy butt' or 'you have poo poo' when referring to your private bits.

Now before you send me hate mail calling me a cold heartless bitch, please know that I love my evil minions with all my heart. But that doesn't change the fact that they can be fucking annoying and are the primary reason I'm developing a drinking problem. Wine softens the blow.

I used to have a life.
Then  I had kids.