Walmart and F-Bombs

Today, I was totally the white trash person of Walmart. Wiener had a conference call, so I had to get the screaming demons out of the house for a bit and decided a quick trip to the store for milk and eggs was in order. They do not sell vodka at our Walmart. Bastards. My outfit was perfection. No shower, dirty yoga pants, a neon orange Corona t-shirt, hat, no make-up. Devil Baby had un-brushed hair and was wearing a sparkly skin tight stripper dress. Fifi looked cute, except for the stringy beach hair.

We looked only one step up from the fluffy, frazzled mom of five we saw yesterday back to school shoe shopping with her brood who was walking through a strip mall pushing a newborn baby in a car seat plopped in a Target shopping cart smoking a cigarette. We weren't at Target. Classy.  

We made our rounds through the store uneventfully. Which is a pretty big feat considering Devil Baby usually asks for things the whole time and she and her sister fight and hit each other. Thank Baby Jesus in a tux for small mercies none of this happened during today's trip. As we were checking out, however, the natives began to get restless asking for candy and pinatas. No clue where pinata came from. Then they were messing with the child seat in the front of the cart, and also hitting each other, and I knew a finger pinch was in the foreseeable future.

By the time we got to the car and Fifi sighed heavily when I asked her to put the cart away for me, I had reached my limit. So, when I asked her to put up the middle seat on her side and sit there instead of the far back where I had to put the groceries, and she began arguing- I lost my shit. The clincher was when I responded to her protest with a loud "everything is not a motherfucking debate" just as I see the old man entering the car next to us. Oops. 

I was given dirty looks, but he knew what was good for him and kept his trap shut. Otherwise, I may have unleashed the hounds of PMS on him. Or not. I feel bad if I offended his delicate sensibilities, but I'm sure he has not known the insanity that is motherhood and the witching hour in the days before school starts. Kids become howler monkeys with ADD on meth. And if he is familiar with this, I'm sure he has either forgotten or has lost his cool at one time or another. So don't judge me, crotchety old man wearing a bucket hat. You need to get off my lawn.

And don't judge me, dear reader, for occasionally always using profanity around my evils. I'm just trying to prepare them for a life on the mean streets of suburbia and it isn't all rainbows and unicorns. Also, studies have shown it is good to swear in front of your kids. I want to marry her. 

Ma ma ma my Corona...

Sounds about right.

  

50 Shades of Walmart

I feel bad using a play on 50 Shades of Grey since I haven't read the book nor do I ever plan to. I have nothing against the book, it's just that if I need a dose of soft-core porn I'll simply turn on Cinemax. I'm too lazy to read a book to get my jollies. Immediate visual gratification is better. Too far?

Anyway- I went to the new neighborhood Walmart store today and stupidity was in abundance:

As I walked in and hit the produce department, a lady flew past, cut me off and stopped directly in front of the veggies I was heading for. Did she quickly grab some lettuce and go? No. She got her phone out and started texting and stood there forever while I waited. I had been bok blocked.

Then another lady pulled her cart directly in front of me and stopped in the soup aisle as I was looking for soup. She went about her business looking elsewhere, but it was obvious I was shopping from the shelf she stopped in front of and blocked. I loudly said "I'll come back since it wasn't obvious that I was trying to get something from the shelf you stopped directly in front of." Fifi looked aghast and waited for the fallout, but it never came. She was an older lady and part of me felt bad because she was semi-elderly and I said something rude. The other part of me wanted to punch her in the face.

As I was checking out, the clerk who was scanning and bagging my groceries stopped when she scanned a three pack of Starkist tuna and said, "This has high mercury content." I didn't really understand her so I said "excuse me" thinking maybe she was trying to tell me they were on sale and I should get more. She then said "Doctor Oz said this has a high mercury content and that's why I don't buy it."

Seriously? I don't give a fuck what you buy, lady. I politely said, "Yes I am aware it has a high mercury content, but we don't eat it often so I'm sure it's fine." Do I really have to defend my grocery purchases to the cashier at checkout? It's bad enough they have to see when I buy tampons, Imodium and KY His and Hers (I don't really buy that, maybe) but she must also give me a lesson on nutrition from something she learned on tv?

She went on and on about it and was telling me we should eat salmon instead and how good salmon is for you. She had stopped ringing up my things to tell me this. I had Fifi and Devil Baby with me and wanted to get the hell out of dodge. It was after school so naturally they were cranky-tired-hungry-fidgety. I am really at my everloving whit's end with cashiers and clerks, but that's a whole other post, possibly even another blog entirely, so I will stop there.

The clincher was in the parking lot as I loaded the groceries. There was a dog left in the car next door to mine who was barking. The windows were cracked, but this is Texas people. Sadly, we can't even turn on the tv without hearing about a child or someone dying from being left in a car in the heat. Everyone knows it's at least twenty degrees higher inside a car than outside. Well, maybe not everyone. Everyone is stupid, after all. It was about 90 degrees this day. 

Fifi pointed out there was a kid in the car with the dog and also another kid left in another car nearby. The kids seemed to be teens- maybe tweleve to fourteen, but still. I wanted to call the cops or wait for the drivers to come out, but alas, I'm not the parenting police. I didn't think there really was immediate danger, except from maybe kidnappers. Again, I can't control what everyone else is doing. I can barely take care of my own minions in between glasses of wine. Next time I'll remember to snap a pic and post it on  people of Walmart  or bad parents of Walmart, whatever is the most appropriate. 

As for the rude shoppers, I don't know what else to do but put spikes on my shopping cart wheels and stab them in the ankles the next time they pull this crap.

Also, from now on I'm pretending to speak a foreign language at check out so I don't have to put up with the cashiers' psychobabble. 

OMFG. This was exactly the scene and so could have been me!
 Blonde, two young girls and an Asian cashier.
Me staring in disgust and kids running amok, only my ass is bigger.
photo credit