Nightmare On My Street

So I've been trying to get the house ready for Fifi's sleepover party tonight to celebrate her birthday and I may have to toss back some opiate based pills to make it through the evening, if I can get my hands on any. Wiener had a hydrocodone prescription earlier this year for his kidney stones that he gobbled down within a week (the pills not the kidney stones were gobbled, weirdo), because he and his prissy male urologist decided kidney stones hurt worse than child birth. What. The. Fuck. Ever. Idiots. Call me after you squeeze a watermelon through a cheese cloth and have an undisclosed amount of stitches threaded between your bits, then we'll talk pain. Amateurs.

Already the grocery store called to inform me that they can't make the top tier of the cake I ordered marble flavor because they can't do marble in a round pan. Really? Um, ok I really don't give a shit what dry ass cake flavor you want to give me, but I'm pretty sure you just throw some motherfucking marble batter in a round pan, then bake, and voila! The god damn frosting better be butter cream, though, or there will be a rumble.

I just can't wait to have four screeching pre-teen banshees frolicking around the house talking about their distaste for Justin Bieber and singing at the top of their lungs to whatever mind numbing pop tunes they decide to blast on the radio. Yes, I am the fun police. Let's all pray to the vodka gods that they just want to have a quiet evening and settle down to watch a movie then drift softly off to dreamland.  

And in classic Wiener form, instead of helping me around the inside of the house to prepare by like, oh I don't know, vacuuming or putting away Devil Baby's toys or picking up his underwear off the living room floor, he decided he will help by pulling weeds on the back patio. We are having no part of the party outside since it is still one billion degrees in Texas. Thanks, but maybe you can move the dirty dishes from one side of the sink to the other and "consolidate" or bitch about me not taking out the trash as you leave various wrappers strewn about the counter tops. That would be much more helpful and it also gives me material for my posts.

Wish me luck, peeps of the Interwebs. I will need it. Mama's all out of opiates, and I can't drink the vodka yet since I still have to drive and pick up the cake with a mysterious flavor.

Concur

Crap I Do Not Have Time For

I follow a few pages on Facebook that I think are interesting and fun. Some are crafty, not that I am at all, but they're fun to look at.

Note I said Facebook and not Pinterest. I refuse to get on Pintertest. Well, it may be less of refusal and more of no one will invite me.But who wants to be a part of an elitist enclave that humiliates you by forcing members to have to ask/beg to join? me* 

If you're lucky enough to have people automatically send you an invitation, that's great. But for those who have to ask for an invitation and never get one, it's quite the let down and opens the whole getting picked last for dodge-ball wound all over again. 

Anyway, one page I follow is a parenting page and they post interesting ideas for parents. I know what you're thinking. She's following a Parenting Page? Jeez, if anyone needs to brush up on their parenting skills, it's that bitch. Indeed.

Some things shared on the parenting page are really cute and creative. Some are absolutely ridiculous. Again, you decide:

I don't have enough time to get MY chores done, never-mind spending additional frustrating time 
convincing my kids to do theirs because they'll get to move a stupid clothespin from one side to the other. 
Plus, they didn't just fall off the turnip truck; they'd move those puppies from one side to the 
other in a heartbeat and proclaim they're done without lifting a finger.

The chances of me having all these items in the fridge and pantry combined with the 
chances of me actually finding the time to put said items together like this are slim to none.

Cute, but I prefer not to eat things with faces. Unless it's beef or chicken. Too far?

Again with the faces? Also, who has time for wrapping them? Slap a paper towel around them and you're good to go.

Um, hello? I don't have time to even do the laundry and you think I have time to make cutesy  
hanger signs, plus color coordinate and hang outfits for the whole motherfucking week?

Yes, I want to be picking up fruit loops and marshmallows off the floor for the next two weeks. 
Just what I always wanted.

If I have time to shop for these ingredients, I have time to just buy the paint. 
Also, this screams paint fight.

Someone needs to get laid.

I have no patience for cutting food into cutesy shapes. Also the skewer  is a weapon for eye stabbing. 
Devil Baby doesn't need help with her serial killer training.

Admittedly, most of the ideas above and on the parenting site in general are really cute and fun, but some are way over the top and seemingly designed to shame other parents. Like, if we're not cutting our kid's food into cutesy shapes and color coordinating their closets with day by day outfits, then they will become soulless creatures and unproductive members of society. 

If that's the case, then so be it. It's a cold, hard world out there and no one cuts my cheese into heart shapes. Maybe if they did I wouldn't be bitchy all the time and need so much vodka. 

Wait, it sounds like I'm making a case for doing these things. Let me finish my vodka and get back with you on my stance.  

* I am a liar. Between the time I wrote this and the time I posted it, I joined Pinterest. Kill me now. One step closer to becoming a Mom-Bot.