Monday, June 10, 2013

Crimson Tidal Wear

Dear People, 

WTF is wrong with you? That's a rhetorical question because I'm pretty sure you don't have the faintest idea what your problem is...

On two separate shopping excursions in the last six months I came across a pair of (oh how shall I put this delicately) sullied ladies undergarments. Or in other words, for those who don't speak gentile southern slang, period bloodied underwear. That is correct. Underwear. With. Period. Blood. On. Them. Hanging on a rack for sale. Technically, one was a bathing suit bottom, but for argument's sake we'll say it is an undergarment of sorts.

So I get that no underwear brand fits the same and sometimes you need a trial run. Not everyone chooses to wear holey underwear from 1996 like me in order to avoid having to find a new brand that is comfortable. But do people (women) really try on underwear while in the throws of their monthly bloody curse? At the most, one should buy the underwear that will be the most likely to fit and take it home and if it doesn't work, return it or use it as a car washing chamois. At the least, one should never, ever, ever and perhaps even NEVER try on under-things while they are on their period unless they double and triple check there is no chance of leakage. And even then, they should probably just not try on undergarments at that time of the month, period.

And then what if it does happen? You are stealthily trying on unmentionables during the visit from your monthly flow. (My god, people, it only lasts a few days- can't the panty shopping wait?) You feel confident that your super- plus absorbent tampon is fresh and ready to keep absorbing the flow for a few more hours. Then you look down and WHAM! There's a splotch of blood on the white granny panties you just tried on. Oh. Snap. What do you do? You take a deep breath and think "It's cool, I got this." As you gingerly slip the panty back onto its delicate plastic hanger, you wait for the person in the next stall to leave so you can exit the dressing room un-noticed. You quickly glance around the store as you exit the stall and make a graceful beeline back to the underwear rack and casually hang it a few items back. There! Operation Avoid Embarrassing Bloody Mess successfully executed.

I get that confessing and taking the item you ruined to the front and sheepishly paying for it is something reserved for those of us with steel ladyballs. But actually going through the motions of placing the item on a hanger and displaying it back on the rack in all of its crimson glory is just beyond all measure of comprehension. Do you think someone will actually want to buy it? Maybe they'll get an extra discount since it's a damaged item. Actually, you probably did the next customer a favor and saved them a few bucks. How thoughtful of you.  

While I haven't done extensive or even any research at all on this (I'm simply pulling these figures out of my ass) I would say 4 out of 5 women who encountered this situation would leave the item balled up on the floor under a pile of other items and high tail it directly out of the store without making eye contact or conversation with another human being for the next several hours. But then again, these 4 women would also probably not being trying on undergarments during the menses in the first place. It's pretty much gotta be that 1 woman going from store to store every month trying on undies. 

Bloody Granny Panties front and center. 
I was not shopping for these underwear.
The blood on the white undies caught my eye. Swear.
Oh maybe they won't notice the blood
since the bathing suit is red. Not.
Clean up on aisle five.

And while bleeding on new underwear in a department store is pretty gross, it is not lost on me that I was the person taking pictures of other people's blood on undergarments in a department store. I never said I wasn't crazy.


  1. That is so gross! Who does that? Plus if you try on underwear, you're meant to try it on over the underwear you're already wearing! *voms in own mouth*

  2. Right?! Totally gross! I intended to mention in the post about how you're supposed to leave on undergarments while trying on undergarments but forgot to include it. But you mentioning it is proof that there is protocol when trying on unmentionables. Where are these uncouth heathens coming from? Jeez.

    1. I don't know! It really is most disgusting!!