Thursday, November 29, 2012

How Kids Ruin Your Day

No one really tells you kids ruin your life. They may tell you how much things will change and how hard it will be. But we know those sentiments are mostly ignored.

Someone needs to start an in your face boot camp for doe-eyed expecant parents and slap some sense into them so they really know what it will be like.

I had lunch today with some of my wine o'clock moms and we were discussing how one of their siblings was handling being a new parent. CeeCee explained that the first time parents hadn't been alone with the new baby until he was at least five weeks old. They had grandmas and relatives from both sides staying with them for weeks on end and even persuaded one grandma to come back from out of state for several more weeks. Now this was as normal of a delivery as there can be- no major medical issues, etc. The new parents were just completely overwhelmed with their new little bundle, expecting him to arrive potty trained and sleeping through the night. Bahahahaaahaa!

Point is, no matter how ready you think you are, how much advice you receive or reading you do will prepare you for the harsh reality that smacks you in the face once the demon spawn spring from your loins. And it's not just the initial hell of post childbirth that is stitches and ice packs and goo oozing from everywhere, it's how your life is irreversibly changed for all of eternity.    

In other words, it's not just a few sleepless nights and babyproofing. Some things to consider before having kids:

You will no longer be able to have sushi and vodka lunches at your whim.

You will not sleep for at least 20 years, if even then.

Your home will NEVER be clean. And if it is, stop taking your kid's ADHD meds.

They piss and shit everywhere.

They do not pick up after themselves.

You will become a referee for deathboxing matches.

They don't fucking listen.

You will never have a shred of privacy again.

You will become suddenly embarrassed of your body as they will say things like 'you have a hairy butt' or 'you have poo poo' when referring to your private bits.

Now before you send me hate mail calling me a cold heartless bitch, please know that I love my evil minions with all my heart. But that doesn't change the fact that they can be fucking annoying and are the primary reason I'm developing a drinking problem. Wine softens the blow.

I used to have a life.
Then  I had kids.


  1. I'm so ready for my know it all friend who has an opinion on errybody's parenting to have her first baby in June. I've already told her how much I'm going to point and laugh. She just does not get it. But she will...oh, she will.

    1. First time parents to be are the worst. You will have sweet, sweet revenge soon. ;)